Alright look. I had intended on starting off this China blog with a bang. Insane taxi rides, peeing in hole in the ground ‘toilets’, light displays on buildings that make Vegas look like a glorified Christmas decoration……but I just can’t do that.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking dear reader. ‘you have to watch what you say over there’. Well, this is true, but no, not this time. The reason I have chosen to forgo the more exciting details of this incredible/terrifying experience that is China, is simply this.

I have stumbled upon the single greatest instruction guide, nay, the single greatest tract of writing in the history of the English language. Shakespeare? Dickens? Amateurs. I highly recommend you get up now and pee. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Preface: I am currently staying in a hotel until a suitable apartment can be found for me. On the nightstand, there is a smorgasbord of neatly wrapped instruments clearly designed to, ‘enhance pleasure’. My personal favorite is the ‘penis sleeve’. It appears to be some sort of rubber covering that effectively ‘weaponizes’ your pecker. And it’s small people. Like, awww small. Hello stereotype. That brings us to the package I am currently staring at. It’s small, extremely light, and the greatest thing I’ve ever seen.

So let’s play a game. A game of discovery.

I have not a clue what is in this package. But perhaps together, we can find out. Seriously. Go pee. Now.


“This includes simulates the vagina normal secretion the ingredient, has function which the prevention vagina mucous membrane¬† damages, enhancement lubrication, improves the sex life quality.”

(‘Tobas, sounds like lube to me, sure, bad English, but nothing to burst a bladder over’)


“This may block the virus from in vitro to cell in dissemination way, extinguishes kills golden colordissemination disease and so on staphylococcus backwoods coli.”


“sterilizes antiseptically damps kills the spermatozoon prevention venereal diseases to strengthen the lubrication.”


“This extinguishes killing rate to the spermatozoon to reach 99%”

Whew. okay. catch your breath for a sec.

Using way and using quantity”

“Each time, ahead of time 5-10 minute use, with when tears off the aseptic hat under, faces the drive pipe inserts the vagina deep place, slowly squeezes out the dew fluid, when treats in the dew fluid inflow vagina, extracts slowly lets go again, after takes out spreads again the little dew fluid wipes inthe cloudy road junction and the vulva place. Uses this after before, peaceful and comfortable cleanly protects the fluid clean effect with Huaanshi to be better.”

(Italics and bold print mine, otherwise everything is exactly as it is written, spaces and lack thereof included)

Welcome to China.