Author Archives: tobasoft

Observatory.

I see you sapphire.
Right across the whole of the earth.
Across the universe.

I see the same sky.
Every night.

I see the glow of the rotten moon.
Just like you.
It laughs and laughs,
I’m not amused.

I see the sky between violet and green.
What all can see but isn’t seen.

There you are again.
It never ends.

I see you sapphire.
Right across the earth.
The universe.

I see you.
Every night.

I see the moon.
Like you.
It laughs.
Amused.

I see the sky.
All I can see.

There you are.
It ends.

There you are.
But.
There you are.

But there you are.

 

Demeter

These are all the likes and loves.
Contained in just a few short passes.
Sworn to all that dwell above,
Whispered wish love everlasting.

Notice that I didn’t notice.
Little signs could never show this.
Perhaps a smiley face or two..
or hearts for eyes that shine at you,
or hands that cup the old made new.
if nothing else let that be true.

This alone would be enough.
To grow old, alone.
To not be needed.

To have, and to hold,
forget, and grow old,
nowhere near my heart defeated.

High Branches

Where love ends, and war begins,
Dignified retreat remains.
Or blast the remnants high above.
For all to see and pity.

Salt the earth and slowly leave.
Destroy even the memory.
I never could have loved another,
….I, didn’t choose until I met you.

Oh thank you love,
for freeing me!
That awful man was keeping me.
And doing just unspeakable things,
like, that thing, that you love,
but, don’t be mad, he was forcing me!

see how easy that is?
like pulling a trigger.
and all these seeds would go to waste.
in that salted earth.

and all the words spoke born from rage,
quietly I now deliver.

For truth be told I feel ashamed,
to ever have believed forever.

Delayed Punctuation.

What is a songbird without a song?
A fluttering that moves and eats.
Silently sustaining self.

No early trilling invitation,
No heart that beats in desperation,
No eyes to see the devastation.

But It was seen!
And I am broken!
the part of me that held a token.

A sliver,
A shard!
A tiny piece.

Of all the things you mean to me.

All the songs I’ll never sing.
The child I smiled imagining.
None that now will ever be.

I know.
This all happened long ago.
But it was sharp in that moment,
just now.

it was just a small crack.
but God I felt it!
It was so loud.
but I haven’t shouted once.
Not once.

Remind Me.

Don’t forget that I don’t know you.
Even when the years have passed.
Meet me, again, and ever over,
Even when the years have passed.

Gently introduce the you,
The self that shines when serving strangers,
make another introduction,
mark a decade, day that passed.

Still again so nice to meet you,
As polite as taught to treat you.
Courtesy my lovely stranger.
Again I give to you the same.

Forgive the things I have forgotten.
The lovely that becomes the rotten.
Remind me of yourself anew.
Again, again, again, again.

Remind me of the me that met you.
Even when the years have passed.

Remember that I’ll always love you.
even when the years have passed.

The Little Parts of Living.

I would laugh at the fire,
and scoff at the rain.
The weather that fell,
I would take for granted.

Perhaps I should leave my umbrella today.
The forecast called for mild kelvin,
I can’t tell the tears from rain,
or both born pain from unexpected.

Why is the unicorn so rare?
Because until it dies, it lives nowhere.

And that was, that was, THAT was you.
silly, lovely, becca boo.
my worst day turned to laughs with you,
the worth of it you never knew.

So becca, pardon me a moment,
To james I must apologize.
I made light of folksy torment.
and plans we had that went awry.

I saw fire smiling brightly,
I saw rain that danced beside me,
I saw lightning shining brightly,
I saw love that held us tightly,

I don’t want to say goodbye.
I don’t want to see the end.
I’ll pretend as long as I can.

but I always thought that I’d see you again.

(I miss you so much Becca dear. I’m so glad I knew you. I’ve cried with you, I never dreamed that I might cry for you)

Also.

In the mean time,
I must exist.
At least.

To feast on scraps,
apologetic,
Sorry that I never meant it,
Feeding on the bits presented.

All of that food,
none of it you.

Alone that never turns to lonely,
With your words inside to warm me,
Marry me, please.
Let me finally eat in peace.

Lazy Eye

None of the changes go unnoticed.
The selfie, the selfless, the social lonely.
Nothing to indicate even a maybe,
watching, not watching, but watching you lazy.

Wandering, this lazy eye,
the one that prompts a painful sigh,
the one that wishes well whatever,
whatever circumstance for better,
whatever makes a now from never,
whatever makes this weight a feather.
Whatever puts my love together.

anything, but quietly.

None of this directly seen.
Rarely caught acknowledging.
The little longing from the lazy,
the eye that wanders woefully.
the heart it floods forever lasting,
patiently awaiting me.

Skin Deep

I can see the flesh that covers,
all the horror death discovers.
and I can see the underneath,
jawbone holding yellow teeth.

and I can see the end you hasten.
from the poison that you take in.
medicine for melancholy,
suffering without the sorry.

clacking bones devoid of rhythm,
sharp impacts of bad decision.
someday seems to be today,
the skeletons dance anyway.

another place

it begins in the morning. here. or there.
I dodge two small running bodies on the way to the kitchen,
“okay, what do you boogers wanna eat today?”
more running. I hear a giggle.

I am startled by my cell phone ringing.
“Tuesday, 6:45 PEE-EM. dad. write it down. ugh where’s Rebecca? she’ll remember”
quit being a snot. I got this.
I see two small eager faces watching me.
step-brothers coming to visit means toys and getting away with everything.

you walk in rubbing your eyes.
good morning loves.
it never gets old.

I watch you like a teenager in a nightclub.
I will remember what it felt like to think I lost you every single day.
holding you is winning a lottery I didn’t know existed.

I sneer and suggestively stare at your ass.
I raise my eyebrows comically.
subtle and ridiculous.
you must really love me.
the boys eat.

we planned this day a few weeks ago.
a short getaway.
just the two of us.
I might get you pregnant again.
you laugh.
but I really might.

the house becomes a whirlwind of toys and legos for a few hours.
we get everything ready.
“be good boys for grandma and grandpa”
after all.
it is our honeymoon.

this would be our third this year.
we are always planning our honeymoon.
we have been married a few years now.
I’m looking forward to our honeymoon tonight.

we aren’t dropping them off until 4.
that leaves a few hours.
“alright, it’s time you boys learned about kickball”
everyone loves kickball.
we play tiny kickball.

“it’s a surprise” you tell me.
later.
we have our bed and breakfast reserved.
but here we are.
in the middle of nowhere.

there’s a pond nearby.
brackish water rippling quietly.
you walk away from me.
“baby, what are you doing?”
you sit down.

you gently pump your legs.
it isn’t a bench at all.

you take something out of your bag.
“you look thirsty”
I kiss you.
I know what this is.
“I love you”
you squint at me.
“are you certain?”

we hold each other.
pumping our legs the whole while.
just high enough to make the creak concern us.
and we tumble off together.

we become animals.
a ball of heat and sweat.

I wash my face.
you pee.
switch.

we have so much to do tomorrow.
we spoon.
my hands are on your boobs.
I told you.
I will never stop fondling you.
I promise.

“is this real?”
yes.
somewhere this is actually happening.
you laugh.
“what do you mean somewhere?”
I kiss you again.

it doesn’t matter.
not here.

we have so much to do.