Author Archives: tobasoft

Excuses.

I have to treat this as a personal diary.
I suppose it is really.
I’m trying to write poetry.

Most of what I put down feels artificial.
Like a show that echoes.
See that’s what I mean.

That line.
Like a show that echoes.
I knew exactly what I was doing there.

Every cliche that comes out of me I’ve already seen.

I know how to solve this problem.
I have to go out and live.

I have to go and fall in love again.
I don’t want to.

I would rather write poorly.
and have two stupid tattoos.
that say much with few words.

that’s what it means. the left one. say much with few words. I’ve been treating this as a poem even still. even up until now. but this isn’t a poem. these are just a few words. and I’m trying not to be artistic, or follow any rules. this is not a poem or a book.

this is acceptance. I can’t find the courage to write in spite of me.

Matte.

Poetry fails this despair.
This emptiness.

I would rather not watch the roads less traveled.
Shackled to me digitally.

There is no Christmas morning Scrooge.
The regret you slept will stay with you.

But I would rather rattle my sins,
than live another day with them.

When no one is near,
and no one can hear,
I scream.

And a day passes.

When no one is near.
and no one can hear.
I scream.

And a year passes.

When no one is near.
and no one can hear.
I scream.

and I wonder when it will end.
Before it begins again.

Not Dead Yet…

God, it got so quiet in here.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when it got so hard to write, but it did. So here I am, Letting months and months fly past, not saying a single thing.

I’m fasting. Just three days this time, but it’s disorienting. Perhaps a log of this would be beneficial. It’s just so hard to think.

Anyway, I won’t let it go this long again. I’m a writer, and I need to write.

Observatory.

I see you sapphire.
Right across the whole of the earth.
Across the universe.

I see the same sky.
Every night.

I see the glow of the rotten moon.
Just like you.
It laughs and laughs,
I’m not amused.

I see the sky between violet and green.
What all can see but isn’t seen.

There you are again.
It never ends.

I see you sapphire.
Right across the earth.
The universe.

I see you.
Every night.

I see the moon.
Like you.
It laughs.
Amused.

I see the sky.
All I can see.

There you are.
It ends.

There you are.
But.
There you are.

But there you are.

 

Demeter

These are all the likes and loves.
Contained in just a few short passes.
Sworn to all that dwell above,
Whispered wish love everlasting.

Notice that I didn’t notice.
Little signs could never show this.
Perhaps a smiley face or two..
or hearts for eyes that shine at you,
or hands that cup the old made new.
if nothing else let that be true.

This alone would be enough.
To grow old, alone.
To not be needed.

To have, and to hold,
forget, and grow old,
nowhere near my heart defeated.

High Branches

Where love ends, and war begins,
Dignified retreat remains.
Or blast the remnants high above.
For all to see and pity.

Salt the earth and slowly leave.
Destroy even the memory.
I never could have loved another,
….I, didn’t choose until I met you.

Oh thank you love,
for freeing me!
That awful man was keeping me.
And doing just unspeakable things,
like, that thing, that you love,
but, don’t be mad, he was forcing me!

see how easy that is?
like pulling a trigger.
and all these seeds would go to waste.
in that salted earth.

and all the words spoke born from rage,
quietly I now deliver.

For truth be told I feel ashamed,
to ever have believed forever.

Delayed Punctuation.

What is a songbird without a song?
A fluttering that moves and eats.
Silently sustaining self.

No early trilling invitation,
No heart that beats in desperation,
No eyes to see the devastation.

But It was seen!
And I am broken!
the part of me that held a token.

A sliver,
A shard!
A tiny piece.

Of all the things you mean to me.

All the songs I’ll never sing.
The child I smiled imagining.
None that now will ever be.

I know.
This all happened long ago.
But it was sharp in that moment,
just now.

it was just a small crack.
but God I felt it!
It was so loud.
but I haven’t shouted once.
Not once.

Remind Me.

Don’t forget that I don’t know you.
Even when the years have passed.
Meet me, again, and ever over,
Even when the years have passed.

Gently introduce the you,
The self that shines when serving strangers,
make another introduction,
mark a decade, day that passed.

Still again so nice to meet you,
As polite as taught to treat you.
Courtesy my lovely stranger.
Again I give to you the same.

Forgive the things I have forgotten.
The lovely that becomes the rotten.
Remind me of yourself anew.
Again, again, again, again.

Remind me of the me that met you.
Even when the years have passed.

Remember that I’ll always love you.
even when the years have passed.

The Little Parts of Living.

I would laugh at the fire,
and scoff at the rain.
The weather that fell,
I would take for granted.

Perhaps I should leave my umbrella today.
The forecast called for mild kelvin,
I can’t tell the tears from rain,
or both born pain from unexpected.

Why is the unicorn so rare?
Because until it dies, it lives nowhere.

And that was, that was, THAT was you.
silly, lovely, becca boo.
my worst day turned to laughs with you,
the worth of it you never knew.

So becca, pardon me a moment,
To james I must apologize.
I made light of folksy torment.
and plans we had that went awry.

I saw fire smiling brightly,
I saw rain that danced beside me,
I saw lightning shining brightly,
I saw love that held us tightly,

I don’t want to say goodbye.
I don’t want to see the end.
I’ll pretend as long as I can.

but I always thought that I’d see you again.

(I miss you so much Becca dear. I’m so glad I knew you. I’ve cried with you, I never dreamed that I might cry for you)

Also.

In the mean time,
I must exist.
At least.

To feast on scraps,
apologetic,
Sorry that I never meant it,
Feeding on the bits presented.

All of that food,
none of it you.

Alone that never turns to lonely,
With your words inside to warm me,
Marry me, please.
Let me finally eat in peace.