Monthly Archives: September 2013

Bad Medicine.

That man makes me squirm.
Because he is everything I want to be.
I don’t know him,
or me.

That girl makes my stomach churn.
Because I wish she could see me,
but she only sees him.
I don’t know them.

It’s not just everything.
It’s everything that I don’t have.
That I can’t do.
It’s never having a clue about you.

This envy I disguise as scorn.
A pretense built on intent.

A black hole,
sucking in fools fed fantasies,
born of needing,
bereft of meaning.

Those that I fear,
and those that I need,
and those that I wish to be.

Suffer the injection of my own reflection.
My own greed given back to me.
My own face staring back at me.
The mirror that I choose not to see.

It will shatter when I do.
I beg it comes soon.

What’s IN IT Mr. Wonka!?

Let’s see here, a Disney child star suddenly undergoes dramatic changes in order to shed a wholesome image. STOP THE PRESSES!! ….yeah..not so much. No matter how many times the Mickey Mouse toaster warms up the pop tarts, it never seems to get old for the American public. Oh? There’s a history of that you say? Yes, sadly there is. But this is a recent history, because as far as I know, Shirley Temple never busted out her eras equivalent of booty shorts in order to keep getting paid.

Sadly, those days are long gone, and after Britney, came the flood, and now, we must contend with the achy breaky spawn. But what does this mean exactly? What in fact, is a Miley Cyrus? Let us find out together.
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…So, without further ado, I present, What’s IN IT Mr. Wonka!? Miley Cyrus Edition.
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Damnnnnn son, that’s a whole lotta Gwen Stefani!!! You bet your ass it is. If Gwen were measured in tablespoons, it would require several dozen ‘heaping’ tablespoons, to begin our recipe. The 90’s were great. We had grunge, a balance between music and shitty reality shows on MTV, and most importantly, a still viable platform for artists to display themselves on. No Doubt prospered greatly during this time, racking up huge album sales, and heavy MTV play. As we all know, that well dried up, quickly, and dramatically. So Gwen, being loyal and dedicated to her band mates, stuck it out until they could work themselves into the limelight again.

Oh wait. No, actually, she ditched the cock rockers quicker than you can say ‘don’t speak’, and married Gavin “James Bond villain” Rossdale. …An army of hip hop dancers and slick R & B producers later, shit got b-a-n-a-n-a-s.
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Next, we need 2 cups of pureed Walt Disney frozen head. You know, maybe I’m not being fair here, after all, it’s not like EVERY person who had a career post Disney kid was a fuck-up. Okay, let’s see, Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera (debatable), umm… Look. I’m sure I’ve missed a few, but I would wager pretty heavily that the number of successful, and not completely F.U.B.A.R. adult Disney kids can be counted on one hand.

I know, some of you are like, “give her time!!! she’s still young!!”. Nope. Now I’m not saying Billy Ray Cyrus is worse than the Lohan parents, but for fucks sake, you’re telling me he either A. wasn’t paying enough attention to what his daughter is doing on a worldwide stage to notice it was a demeaning clusterfuck, or B. he did, and he either didn’t care or thought it sounded like a good plan. If you answered C. a creepy combination of the two, you win nothing but the knowledge that you aren’t a complete fucking reject. Shitty/No parental guidance? Game over.*
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“MMmm child!” …add in 3/4 cup of black female outrage. Judging from the tweets, and blogs, and articles, and quotes, and blogs, and tweets, and….and….oh wait, and a photo of the ENTIRE Smith family, Miley dun goofed. Aside from her horrendous condom-like getup, she also managed to offend black women in general, with a portrayal of a dance apparently attributed to black women, that at the same time, is offensive to black women. I freely admit that the logic eludes me, as it seems that Miley was acting in a fashion that no respectable woman in general would want to partake in, black or otherwise.
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“Hey Miley, what would it look like if someone dislocated Gene Simmons jaw?”  …The last time I saw a tongue like that, it was killing people in a low budget sci-fi flick**. This confuses me. Does this poor child not have any actual friends? You know, ones who will sit her down and say things like, “I love Michael Jordan too Miley, but, enough is enough girl.”

These are the sad things about her existence. The fact that you can clearly tell she has not one person who truly cares about her well being anywhere near her. Including Billy Ray “Lion-o”, aka ‘dad’. Take a break from the hair salon and tell your daughter to calm the fuck down, for her own sake. However, we are cooking up a batch of Miley here, so ignore the creepy stage dads, and add a 1/2 cup of chopped clams to the mix.
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Blend thoroughly, cover mixture with a red and black flannel (sleeves cut off at the shoulder) for full potency. After 2-3 weeks, the mixture should become uniform and stale, ready for consumption. Serve dog shit warm, and liberally pour into the collective throats of our intelligent and discerning public.

Voila! You now have your very own Miley Cyrus! Remember parents, this is the same person your children used to know as ‘Hannah Montana’. Children are NOT stupid, even if you are. Consider this.
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Live it, Love it, use the force, (::heavy breathing::…welcome……to the dark side..::heavy breathing::….Miley…)
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~T
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*( Look. I know it’s fucked up. But I can’t be the only one thinking that there might come a day when a “tell all” book, MIGHT expose a twisted father daughter relationship NO ONE could have EVER suspected…..right.)
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**(Species, obviously)