I thought I was crazy.

Dear Diary,

I had the most awful dream.  I was living back home, but things had changed so much.  I was older, just past thirty, but I didn’t feel very different than I do now.  Except the house was gone.  That’s right, gone.  And Sebastian, and Antonio, they were gone too.  Danielle didn’t love me anymore, she loved some other guy.  Can you believe it?  Everything I’m working for now, every hour I spend going from place to place, every hour of sleep I lose to make sure everyone and everything is taken care of, all of that meant nothing.  It was like what I imagined hell would be like.

Look, I know it doesn’t make sense, but it felt so real.  I tried to date, but I was so bad at it.  That part wasn’t surprising really, it’s not as if I had much experience in that department before I got married anyway.  The girls were either too young, or too damaged, or both.  And the couple of times things were just right, I got scared and ran it off.  I felt like I wanted to die, but I stopped myself before I got to the point of no return over and over, because I couldn’t bear the thought of the boys having to grasp that I’m gone and I wouldn’t be coming back.

It made me cry when I woke up.  That’s how real it felt.  I cried softly, and luckily Danielle didn’t wake up, because I’m sure she would have thought I was crazy.  It really made me think.  Things aren’t easy now, but they sure could be a whole lot worse.  It’s one thing to know you could lose something, but it is entirely another to actually feel the loss.  I felt it very keenly, and it awoke a new appreciation for the things I do have, and the value of the things I do to make sure it stays that way.  I know everyone takes things for granted at times, and this nightmare has shown me my time.  I am glad for it, because I will never let that happen to me.

Do you hear me?

I will never let that happen to me.

I will never let that happen to me.

I will never.

I…

it’s not a dream, is it?

I’m breathing.  I can see, I can hear.  I’m still here.  I’m stuck here.  This is real.

Please, I still have a few hours.  Let me wake up from this.  This can’t be real.  So much time has passed, what the hell am I supposed to do now?

it wasn’t supposed to be like this.  i had to learn to be so many things before i learned what those things really mean.  so i learned, but only after they were lost to me.  i got so tired of what i had to do, and i fell asleep.  so here i am, in this very bad dream, that isn’t a dream at all.  but it’s just like those dreams that make you sob and heave.  you scream and scream and scream, and no one understands a fucking thing.

i don’t want to do anything. because this isn’t real.  this didn’t happen. i just have to wake up somehow.  if i act like this is real, then it will be.

i don’t care if it doesn’t make sense to you.  because i never really met you anyway.

im going to cry again.  because i really can’t hold it in.

i’ll just let it get worse.  maybe it’ll end right before i hit the pavement, and then i can breathe again, and awake.

please let me wake up.

please don’t let this be it.

im not okay at all. ever. no matter what i say.

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