maybe if I write it down, it’ll stop feeling like that.

Alright, for starters, I know I’ve been slacking, and I’m not particularly pleased about this.

There is much to discuss, and much to observe.  That isn’t going to happen now.  Right now I need to say some things that are pointless to say now.  They will also not be heard or seen by the person for whom they are intended.  However, if I don’t put them down I may end up choking to death on them.

.

Hello.  It’s probably nice and sunny in Louisiana right now, which is unfortunate because you are missing out on all this wonderful freezing here.  I really didn’t want you to go.  I fell for you hard, and your departure date loomed on the horizon.  I felt myself getting desperate, and I knew with absolute certainty that sooner than later, I would break down and beg you not to leave.  I was afraid for you to go, and I was afraid for you to stay.  The truth is I feel like a failure.  You are beautiful, successful, and simply one of the nicest, most humble human beings I’ve had the pleasure of meeting.  I felt like I didn’t deserve you.  Nevertheless, when you would reference your move, my insides would twist painfully.  I knew how hard it was for you to know what to do then, and I knew when you left, that it would likely not get easier.  I could have just explained that we could not continue, and why, and tried to leave it at that.  I could not.  I was selfish and could not bring myself to do so.  By the time I realized it had to be done, it was already too late, I had fallen in love with you.

Despite there being love, I knew you would go.  The only thing that changed was that leaving was likely going to become something other than the happy change you were so looking forward to.  I know how I acted hurt you.  It hurt me as well, because I did not want to do it.  My idea is that to truly love someone, you need to act in a way that would help them the most, even if it kills you to do so.

So I became a complete bastard.

I imagine you there, perhaps lounging on a white swinging seat, sipping lemonade thinking, “boy am I glad I didn’t stay.”  I didn’t think I deserved you, and I know you cared about me.  I wanted you to have certainty.  The unquestioned belief that you made the right choice.  I am certain you have that now, and I want you to know that I will regret that as long as I live.  I knew my feelings for you were going to get me either which way, but at least I could make things easier for you.  It doesn’t make me right for acting how I did, and there isn’t a way to say sorry that would begin to describe how badly it felt, and feels still.  I loved you Rebecca, and I know that if things had turned out differently in my own life, I would have stopped at nothing to share it with you.  I didn’t want you to go, and I didn’t want you to stay for fear of being a disappointment to you.  But I wish you were here with me.  I miss you still.

I wish you a very long and happy life because that is what you deserve.  I wish I didn’t let you go, and I wish you knew that it did kill me to do so.  It would have been wonderful to have you to kiss when the ball dropped.  But I think I got what I deserved.

Goodbye sweetheart.

3 replies on “maybe if I write it down, it’ll stop feeling like that.”

  1. Cady says:

    Sounds like you really hurt her.

  2. Tobas says:

    I can only hope that it was not as badly as I hurt myself. I didn’t mean it. none of it. I was scared and did not know what to do. that is the truth.

  3. Tiger Lady says:

    And all these years later…

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