Alright, for starters, I know I’ve been slacking, and I’m not particularly pleased about this.
There is much to discuss, and much to observe. That isn’t going to happen now. Right now I need to say some things that are pointless to say now. They will also not be heard or seen by the person for whom they are intended. However, if I don’t put them down I may end up choking to death on them.
Hello. It’s probably nice and sunny in Louisiana right now, which is unfortunate because you are missing out on all this wonderful freezing here. I really didn’t want you to go. I fell for you hard, and your departure date loomed on the horizon. I felt myself getting desperate, and I knew with absolute certainty that sooner than later, I would break down and beg you not to leave. I was afraid for you to go, and I was afraid for you to stay. The truth is I feel like a failure. You are beautiful, successful, and simply one of the nicest, most humble human beings I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. I felt like I didn’t deserve you. Nevertheless, when you would reference your move, my insides would twist painfully. I knew how hard it was for you to know what to do then, and I knew when you left, that it would likely not get easier. I could have just explained that we could not continue, and why, and tried to leave it at that. I could not. I was selfish and could not bring myself to do so. By the time I realized it had to be done, it was already too late, I had fallen in love with you.
Despite there being love, I knew you would go. The only thing that changed was that leaving was likely going to become something other than the happy change you were so looking forward to. I know how I acted hurt you. It hurt me as well, because I did not want to do it. My idea is that to truly love someone, you need to act in a way that would help them the most, even if it kills you to do so.
So I became a complete bastard.
I imagine you there, perhaps lounging on a white swinging seat, sipping lemonade thinking, “boy am I glad I didn’t stay.” I didn’t think I deserved you, and I know you cared about me. I wanted you to have certainty. The unquestioned belief that you made the right choice. I am certain you have that now, and I want you to know that I will regret that as long as I live. I knew my feelings for you were going to get me either which way, but at least I could make things easier for you. It doesn’t make me right for acting how I did, and there isn’t a way to say sorry that would begin to describe how badly it felt, and feels still. I loved you Rebecca, and I know that if things had turned out differently in my own life, I would have stopped at nothing to share it with you. I didn’t want you to go, and I didn’t want you to stay for fear of being a disappointment to you. But I wish you were here with me. I miss you still.
I wish you a very long and happy life because that is what you deserve. I wish I didn’t let you go, and I wish you knew that it did kill me to do so. It would have been wonderful to have you to kiss when the ball dropped. But I think I got what I deserved.