What an awful thing it is, to know that you have loved more deeply than you were willing to accept, and then understand just how much, and how uncommon that is, so much after the fact.
I would like very much to be seen as, ‘good’, but I fear I may have done too much, ‘bad’.
I believe that in trying to understand people, I have acquired a sort of hubris, which renders my actions often incomprehensible, because they frequently do not yield the desired results until long after I have become a bad memory.
I mean well. 100 percent of the time.
However, my never-ending stream of thought very often leads so far off the path that I lose sight of where I was headed in the first place.
There is someone who I always think about, who despite logic, I know that I loved in the way a person is supposed to love, and I know that I will die unhappy because of it.
I am profoundly sad most of the time. few see it as often as I feel it.
I play it off. I play it all off, everything. even when it hurts so bad. it makes me seem cold and uncaring, but nothing could be further from the truth. if the saying ‘actions speak louder than words’ were applied to me, then one would need to observe me in private to really know what I mean.
I dream of being placed in a combative scenario, completely devoid of conscience or inhibition, where I am free to act upon every instinct that presents itself no matter what the probable effect.
I wish to die in a scenario as described above. It is not as if I plan to lose or die, but I would take my last breath satisfied knowing that I faced overwhelming odds and acquitted myself well before falling.
I truly would rather not be sad, and I make many small attempts throughout the course of any given day to lift my mood or create laughter. my wish is that those things could accumulate and carry over enough to keep me from being sad all over again the next day.
Who I am and who you think I am are often radically at odds. this is true of almost everyone being observed from an outside perspective, however, how much this varies is a solid indicator of how much is being lost in translation.
I love Lost in Translation, and it has nothing to do with the above observation.
I should be sleeping, but for some reason I invite suffering against my will. as far as I know.