Monthly Archives: May 2009

5/22/09

I made an appointment today with a man who will help me correct my tax problem, and solve my medical and student debt. This is a weight off me that has taken way too long to be shed. Next up, a financial planner so that the income from my job(s) can be sorted out and put to much better use.

Since I cannot get medication to help me once again quit smoking, I am going to do the tried and true, one less method. Count how many today, and one less tomorrow, and so on, until the number gets to zero, that day I once again become a non-smoker.

I am also making a list of things ‘to do’, and what I need, and what I truly do not need.

Everything else has become insignificant. Realizing my potential is the only priority. I may need to reach out for help sometimes, and I will not forget who stood by me, and who did not. I am working to reverse years of fear and hiding, and I do realize the importance of keeping a realistic outlook as far as how long it will take to build a winning stance.

With that said, first on that list of what I do not need is to spend time looking at social networking sites.

This is wasteful, and bad for me.

My life is no reflection on my potential, and it’s about damn time I began living up to it.

I will never be a weight for anyone.

Burned alive.

Forget goodbye. Hello is so much better.

This is going to hurt for a very long time, but I will not roll over and die.

The only way to make sure this never happens to me again is to regain control of my life and put myself in a position where I call the shots. While making sure that I stay aware of how my actions are making the people that I care about feel.

I have lost so much, but this was the proverbial ‘straw’.

I will never forget this. I will never feel this helpless again. I will never allow complacence again. I will never take what I love for granted again.

I have a ferocious will, and it is now bent towards proving the words I heard tonight completely and utterly wrong. Not because they were spoken to me, but because they echoed inside me.

Enough with losing. If it is pain that had to light that fire, then so be it.

It is about time something did.

Silver tongue severed.

I would stop the very sun in the sky,
If I thought it would catch your eye.
In every word I wrote, you I would mention,
If I thought it would get your attention.

Everything would be different,
If I thought it would make a difference.

I would bring you down the melancholy moon,
Just to see you swoon,
Anything at all, I would do,
To be with you.

I would lift you up as high as I could,
Do everything I should,
Say anything to find,
Some way to make you change your mind.

These words you may never see,
From this hollow man that is me,
Every letter I write cuts inside like a knife,
My only wish for you is a happy life.

I am so different,
If it only made a difference.

I want to beg, but the words die on my lips,
Come back,
Instead I shake and clench my fists,
Don’t go,
But you are gone for good I know.

I have nothing left but pain, and regret,
Memories of a smile I will never forget,
Walk and breathe, heavy as lead,
Inside I feel dead.

5/20/09

It never ceases to amaze me just how intuitive the individuals I care for can be. I did my best to fake it at work, but Richard (he looks like a short fat teddy bear) knew better. I sat down, and he leaned over and gently hugged my head and told me in his muffled tone “You gonna be ok”. He sat there like that and patted me softly on the arm for a minute. Normally the others I work with would have a laugh and we would all join in, just being silly. However, they must have seen my face, because the most I saw was a sad half-smile. It was only a few seconds, but the tears must have shown.

Bitter harvest.

Warm breeze blowing in from the coast,
All of these bunches, lined up in rows,
Glistening orbs, shaped by natures perfection,
Prompting introspection.

Teeth puncture lovely skin,
Bleeding sweetness floods in,
Tear it to pieces,
Take another, if it pleases.

Bursting with flavor,
Stop and savor,
Anything, you would allow her,
Fruit you harvested was sour.

Doesn’t matter.

Matter packed dense,
So tense,
Spread out, makes more sense.
Not nearly as intense.

Anti-matter scattered,
Like a field with a billion flowers.
Reality cowers,
Before such awesome power.

Little by little,
Meet in the middle,
Watch them explode,
What a sight to behold.

5/19/09

Words are not enough to impart what this feels like. I have heard from others what it feels like to be brokenhearted, but nothing could have prepared me for a feeling quite as unique as this. I have no appetite, nothing gives me joy, and the only thing I look forward to is sleep. I am alone, but this time really and truly alone, because I cannot bring myself to even fake the want of company.

I pulled myself up yesterday and drove to Northport for the Red Hot Chili Peppers tribute band audition. I was early, and figuring I could get in there and soundcheck a bit, I walked into the converted garage/studio. Turns out I was not the first audition of the day after all, a young long haired man stood with his mic ready and stared at me walking in. He was nice enough, and closely resembled brandon boyds younger, inbred brother (I am aware there is no such thing, however, if there was, that guy would be it).

Having already commited my faux pas, I accepted the invitation to sit and listened. The funny thing was, I wasn’t scared, or very nervous even. I would like to believe that it was because I know how hard I have worked, and I knew how good I was, but I knew it was the fact that I was almost completely numb inside, and couldn’t feel much of anything. Inbred boyd did a fairly decent kiedis, but I could tell right away that his voice had no power. He also stood, mic in hand, hunched over in front of the song book. In his defense, I needed the lyrics many times myself, however, I imagine I was a bit more subtle than that. I broke his vocal skills down methodically, and it surprised me how easy it was to diagnose him. He did not sing on the vowel, or on the breath. Therefore, he had no resonance, and no power.

He ran a little over the hour, but I waited patiently while they did two more songs (I was to later find out that his late-ness was the reason for that). At one point, MID-SONG mind you, he reached in his pocket and ANSWERED his CELL PHONE. It was then and there that I utterly dismissed him as a joke. So then it was my turn. I decided to warm up with ‘come together’, and second verse in, I notice jr. boyd sitting in the chair I had just recently occupied across from the mic stand. Touche’, I thought. However, it was to no avail. The second song in was ‘Snow (hey oh), and by that time I was in a groove, jr. stood up, shook his head slightly and left mid-song with a quick look around and a half-hearted ‘call me’ gesture.¬† He had good reason to be dejected. I absolutely nailed it. I didn’t need a nod, or even a word of confirmation to know this. I took the sound, the melodies, the lyrics (the ones I had down anyway), and owned them.

My entire head buzzed. My vowels were sharp (for the most part), and my cadence was spot on. I stayed and did songs until almost 10. My audition was from 7-8. At the end, the drummer (and founder), asked me a series of questions about myself, my schedule, etc.  He then reached behind him and pulled a cd out of the hard drive set up on a desk next to the drum kit and handed it to me (I noticed during breaks he was hurriedly doing something on the computer, and apparently, that was it). 30 songs, mp3 format. We all shook hands and they debated how much time to give me with the music before doing it again. We all agreed a week would work for everyones schedule, and give me plenty of time to listen, and learn. I left there knowing that unless Anthony Kiedis himself walked in, that job was mine.

I got back into my car, stared for a few moments, and tried to be happy. Quickly it occured to me how fruitless this was, I should have just been happy. Instead, my attempt at a smile turned into a sob, and I drove home crying softly, just wanting my bed. I knew the audition was automatic, ‘The show must go on’, but I hoped it would lift my spirits anyway. Nothing can lift my spirits. I fell asleep quickly, around ten-thirty, and had a short dream that I received a text message. It was one of those dreams that fool you, because what happens very much resembles reality. My phone went off, and since it was on loud volume, and lying next to me, I grabbed it and read, “Don’t give up”. It was from her.

I awoke at five-thirty this morning and actually looked at the phone, just to double-check.

I do not wish to speak to anyone. Friends, family, etc. I do not need anyone trying to make me ‘feel better’ by minimizing¬† what this is like. Nor do I need to hear anyone elses tale of heartbreak and woe. I have seen and heard plenty. ‘Feeling better’ does not even seem like a possibility. I am crushed.

Until I wish to speak no more, it will be here.

So I ask the Lord above.

If you only knew, how much it hurt to be without you,
Maybe you would think things through,
I stay awake so many nights and wonder,
Who I’m talking to,

Are you who simply stood so strong against the heavy tide,
Unbowed against a heavy side,
All they told you spoke of fear,
Despite them all you persevered,

I do not forget these things,
Worth a bushel diamond rings,
But still I fear a certain go,
Feelings fast that faded slow,

Fault my own freely admit,
Chance to lack companionship,
I may not suit you in this way,
A choice arrived to stay away,

Good Lord I may break upon this eve,
If the real is all deceit,
Change that causes so much pain,
Let it not be all in vain,

Let it not be all in vain.

Born with Talent.

It amazes me how people who hear me sing now say things like, ‘you are very talented’, or, ‘you just have a natural ability’. Once upon a time, I might have thought, ‘no, I don’t, or didn’t’, however, now I know better.

Everyone has that natural ability.

Singing is three main things, broken up into little facets.

Deep, gentle breathing. Sufficient laryngeal muscle development, and finally, proper cavity resonance.

In laymans terms,

You breathe in gently, (it helps to see the breath as going into your pelvis, obviously this does not actually happen, however it gives you the idea of a very deep, filling breath).

You do NOT hold the breath, the phrase starts on the tail end of the inhaled breath. As you exhale, your abdominal muscles and lower back muscles keep your diaphragm balanced so as not to expel all your air at once. You don’t squeeze, or push. It is a gentle resistance, BALANCED.

Your voice box (ideally) lowers, and the two sets of muscles holding your vocal cords in front and back gently stretch the cords over the airflow (this is TRULY where your airflow is regulated, most people mistakenly think this takes place in the diaphragm).

The front set of muscles stretches the cords forward, and actually shortens them in length rather than actually stretching them longer. The back set tilts them back, and thins them out, and does lengthen them. In BOTH cases, the cords gently close over the airflow when sound is being produced properly.

Those two sets of muscles have to be strong enough, and balanced enough, otherwise singing will be a painful, and difficult task. Human beings are born with these muscles strong enough, and balanced. If muscles are not used, or misused, they usually develop incorrectly or in most cases, atrophy. Laryngeal muscles are no different than any other muscles.

The sound is then produced, and if your voicebox is low and forward, it passes up through the pharynx where those undampened (unmuffled) soundwaves begin to bounce around the hollow bony crevices in your skull. Bear in mind, soundwaves are what is being ‘produced’, not ‘airwaves’. Air is simply fuel, and has very little to do with the actual physical properties of sound itself. The air gently does its job, and leaves out of your mouth. It carries nothing.

Many teachers and bookwriters say to, “aim your tone”. This is nonsense.

LET, your tone go where it belongs. Aiming involves unnecessary effort. I would rather say, “get the hell out of your tones way”.

There is so much more, but I just wanted to give an idea as to why I believe how I believe and why it is fact.

Some people in my life do not agree with what I am doing, and my dogged pursuit of singing excellence, but I remain convinced, I am doing the right thing.