I left home at 19, bought my house at 21. I worked two, and sometimes three jobs to get all the things I had to get in order to be a father, and a husband. I went in way over my head and somehow succeeded. But I never stopped to relax, or enjoy any of it. Eventually, it all came crashing down, and everything, became nothing again.
So many associate the word ‘creative’ with art. Writing, painting, acting, etc. But creativity is all things. I created a plan, which put the things I desired into existence. I created the means for those things to be possible for me.
Life is creation. When you stop creating, you slowly begin to wither. Then you sit around all day, re-creating. You drink, or you medicate, to help you not try to remember, but to re-live that which should have no bearing on the present. You become an album, or a cd, or an eight track tape, depending on how old your memories are. The instruments that made those recordings lie gathering dust as you dip the needle into the groove, or hit play, over and over. Eventually, your recordings begin to wear out, and over time, they begin to change so much they no longer even resemble the original songs.
It can be said you are alive, but you are certainly not amongst the living. Familiar pursuits keep pushing back the pain, until one day, your little wood dam isn’t enough to hold back that frigid, damning, icy blast of pain that lifts you off the ground and sends you helter skelter through the air. When you hit the ground, you find that every little hole and nook that gave you a place to hide away has been filled or washed away. There is no escape.
With all of your old options gone, it becomes the simple matter of two choices. You can live, or you can die. Not the slow death you were content to exist in, but the immediate kind, the kind that solves everything for everyone, including yourself.
You think about these things, sitting there alone, out in the open. That bottle of belladonna you have, a trip to the firing range, the strength of nylon rope.
You think about these things, sitting there alone, out in the open. That beautiful two bedroom apartment with a feng shui decorated interior. That brand new hunter green hybrid nissan altima. That book deal that will afford you the lifestyle you deserve.
Then you decide.