Monthly Archives: May 2009

QoTW.

New category time!

This weeks quote comes from Kevin, a good friend of mine who is very funny, and very gay.

On being a homosexual male:

“Oh it’s great, I could walk into the DMV over there right now and get a blowjob.”

He certainly could.

Live it, Love it (suck it),

~T

Idiot screen.

Tonight is all about rest and recovery.

Tomorrow, is all about having more fucking fun than I have had in years.

I have also decided that I am going to start attending more live shows. Of all kinds. I think it makes more sense to experience life firsthand instead of through the glow of electrons trapped in plastic.

Despite the numerous rejections I have experienced these past few weeks (the latest came today, when the bassist for the chili peppers tribute band left a message for me that they were going with the other guy I was up against), I still feel alright. Not great, not especially cheery, but alright.

On to better things.

This is ___

I am not so proud,
That I cannot stumble,
Look back, and laugh out loud.
It is these very missteps,
That offer wisdom, and keep us humble.

When the choices are gone,
All of that tortuous tumult inside,
Begins to creep toward calm.
Weakness exposed and flaunted,
What IS, makes you stronger,
Then IS becomes EXACTLY what you wanted.

What is bright stays bright,
And the dark still arrives at night,
Days of all kinds come and go,
Smoothly riding on the flow,
Knowing somehow, things will work out just right.

Million dollar view.

Staring out of a dirty window,
All of the colors take on a shade of gray,
Bright sunlight faded to a dull glow,
Darkened by filth, this month of May.

So much more could be seen,
Were this window but clean.

Lush tree sways
Vibrant leaves of gentle green,
Dancing on the wind for days,
Dust reveals slow decay.

This view obscured by film so vile,
World in sight these eyes defile.

Spray this old rag,
Pass a hand over glass,
Arms drop, shoulders sag,
It never lasts.

Come sail away.

I finally saw my baby today,
I said to her, tell me you love me again,
‘Cause I’ve been drifting aimlessly away,
Since you left me that day.

She said to me, “when you gonna right that ship?”
She said, “baby when you gonna right that ship?”

Oh, Open your port darlin’,
I just need a place to dock a while,
Adjust my sail to your direction,
And you’ll see my love, I’ve learned a lesson.

She said to me, “baby, when you gonna right that ship?”
She said, “Oh baby when you gonna write that ship?”

Blow for me, a gentle breeze,
And I would cross all seven seas,
It’s you, it’s you, it’s you I need,
I’ll take your lead, if you please,
So please, please, please me.

The Wellspring.

I left home at 19, bought my house at 21. I worked two, and sometimes three jobs to get all the things I had to get in order to be a father, and a husband. I went in way over my head and somehow succeeded. But I never stopped to relax, or enjoy any of it. Eventually, it all came crashing down, and everything, became nothing again.

So many associate the word ‘creative’ with art. Writing, painting, acting, etc. But creativity is all things. I created a plan, which put the things I desired into existence. I created the means for those things to be possible for me.

Life is creation. When you stop creating, you slowly begin to wither. Then you sit around all day, re-creating. You drink, or you medicate, to help you not try to remember, but to re-live that which should have no bearing on the present. You become an album, or a cd, or an eight track tape, depending on how old your memories are. The instruments that made those recordings lie gathering dust as you dip the needle into the groove, or hit play, over and over. Eventually, your recordings begin to wear out, and over time, they begin to change so much they no longer even resemble the original songs.

It can be said you are alive, but you are certainly not amongst the living. Familiar pursuits keep pushing back the pain, until one day, your little wood dam isn’t enough to hold back that frigid, damning, icy blast of pain that lifts you off the ground and sends you helter skelter through the air. When you hit the ground, you find that every little hole and nook that gave you a place to hide away has been filled or washed away. There is no escape.

With all of your old options gone, it becomes the simple matter of two choices. You can live, or you can die. Not the slow death you were content to exist in, but the immediate kind, the kind that solves everything for everyone, including yourself.

You think about these things, sitting there alone, out in the open. That bottle of belladonna you have, a trip to the firing range, the strength of nylon rope.

You think about these things, sitting there alone, out in the open. That beautiful two bedroom apartment with a feng shui decorated interior. That brand new hunter green hybrid nissan altima. That book deal that will afford you the lifestyle you deserve.

Then you decide.

~T

Link Update.

I have taken the time to correct and update my links section. I had an extra http tacked on Caroline Ledgin’s blogspot, click it and have a laugh and touch yourself.

Also, I highly recommend Poor Widow Me. What makes it funny is how real it is. Some of it reads like a female Larry David.

That’s all for now.

Ain’t it something how productive one gets when one isn’t looking at status updates all day?

Total Recall.

Over the years, I have said it time and time again. Delicious irony finds me like ebola flies find africans. For the first time, I toss aside my pride, and pretty much everything else, for the sake of saving a relationship, and what happens?

C’mon, you’re a bright bunch, this shouldn’t be too tough.

You there, hag with the orange hair and spotted blouse, if you said, “watch her finger extend through my eyeball like that T-1000 in Terminator 2.” Then you are today’s grand prize winner! Here’s what you get.

You get NOTHING, YOU LOSE, good DAY sir.

How ’bout them apples?

Jesus said it best I think, “He who has never sinned may cast the first stone.” Probably the best line in that entire book.

So, instead of letting this destroy me, I have decided upon a more positive outlook.

“One womans trash, is another womans treasure.”

With that said, let it be known that I have no intention on being with any woman, in any way, for quite some time. There are several good reasons behind that. The first being that the amount, and severity of painful emotion involved here is simply unprecedented. No offense to anyone else that may read this that I have been with, but by a large margin, this one takes the cake. After that deluge, I have neither the strength nor the desire to turn off on that exit once again. The second, is that it is just not fair at all to anyone else to have to deal with this internal shitstorm. After all, if this has taught me anything, it’s that letting go of things is the only way to get on solid ground. And solid ground is the only thing that anything stable and lasting can be built on.

I strongly believe the large bulk of my negative aspects stem from the feeling of helplessness that results from not having ‘my shit together’. Hence, why I am moving at a steady and determined pace towards that end (See entries below). Aside from this insecurity and fear, I am smart, funny, talented, loyal, loving, affectionate, cute as a shiny button and I got a plump furry ass to boot. I’ll pause for a moment while you ladies wipe the drool…

In other words, the good stuff FAR outweighs the bad stuff. I realize how important it is for me to strengthen and maintain that mindset, ON MY OWN, however, I don’t have to try that hard, I know those things are true.

So, as I have been, I will continue updating on here, and I will continue to use my time as effectively as possible. I have not really given anyone who has made the choice to rebuff me (in any aspect of my life, not just relationships, and FYI, rebuffing in relationships has happened a total of twice), reason to regret this choice. This is something that will be changing, amongst all the other things.

This memorial day weekend, I will remember the veterans. Also, I will remember what I am worth.

Live it, Love it…period.

~Tobas