(I had spent almost five months in a hospital next to this woman. She was very, very low functioning. Meaning, as far as anyone could tell, she had no verifiable method to communicate her feelings, nor did it appear that she had any to communicate. She had contracted pneumonia in both lungs, and seemed on the brink almost daily. The problem at my job was, there was no one who was willing to advocate for her, combine that with an already low staff count, and you had a woman with a busy family who could only stay for short periods. I signed on and saw it through to the very end. It was in those months that I began writing a novel, which to this day, remains unfinished. Despite the lack of meaningful interaction, I began to develop a sort of bond with her, and that made it all the worse when I finally had to watch her die.)

October 24, 2005

after hearing today about the death of one of my favorite charges, it occurred to me that she was a christian, so I thought, if the christians are right, that girl better have an express ticket to that happy disney after-life they constantly preach about, or ill blow my brains out just to get a chance to kick jesus in the nuts.

yes, this is how i deal with sadness, blaspheming