Monthly Archives: April 2009

Good Grief

 (I had spent almost five months in a hospital next to this woman. She was very, very low functioning. Meaning, as far as anyone could tell, she had no verifiable method to communicate her feelings, nor did it appear that she had any to communicate. She had contracted pneumonia in both lungs, and seemed on the brink almost daily. The problem at my job was, there was no one who was willing to advocate for her, combine that with an already low staff count, and you had a woman with a busy family who could only stay for short periods. I signed on and saw it through to the very end. It was in those months that I began writing a novel, which to this day, remains unfinished. Despite the lack of meaningful interaction, I began to develop a sort of bond with her, and that made it all the worse when I finally had to watch her die.)

October 24, 2005

after hearing today about the death of one of my favorite charges, it occurred to me that she was a christian, so I thought, if the christians are right, that girl better have an express ticket to that happy disney after-life they constantly preach about, or ill blow my brains out just to get a chance to kick jesus in the nuts.

yes, this is how i deal with sadness, blaspheming

Lithium

(The title and single sentence entry read exactly right. Having failed brilliantly at matrimony, I decided that perhaps the problem was, me. Well, my brain specifically. I decided it would be best for everyone (read: me), to try and regulate whatever wacktastic stuff was hurtling around in there. Exercise? Meditation? Therapy? Nahhhh.That’s pussy shit. I needed some heavy fucking metal. So, like the logical sane individual I am, I went straight to a very old shrink who I conned effortlessly into providing me with said prescription. I can’t remember it doing much of anything except giving me the alcohol tolerance of Andre the fucking Giant. After one particular friday evening of binge drinking I awoke with the hurricane katrina of hangovers, which proceeded to last well into the next week. Needless to say, that was the end of my little experiment.)

October 23, 2005.

strangely enough, with all these new meds, all I want to do is drink excessively, and it takes forever to even get a buzz, and that goes for other things as well, but in some cases, its not always a disadvantage.

Wallowing in my own chaotic.

(I’m going to go ahead and assume this was the start of what I will refer to as, “the metasin period”. The drunken debauchery that took place in that establishment is the stuff of legend, and I was smack dab in the middle of it. Despite the often terrible emo music, I danced like a wild person, and ended up on a wall full of women and boobs more times than is probably healthy. Nevertheless, it was good times.)

 

 

October 21st, 2005.

fun people are fun people, period.  I find that in life, there is a strict barometer in terms of enjoyment in the company of others.  With some, you can be at the most entertaining and enjoyable place built, yet, there will be some way that your company will find fault, and it will spoil the fun you might have enjoyed.  Yet, there are others out there, who can come to the most drab of places, and light it up with a smile and pure enthusiam.

Those seem to be the ones to hold on to, and enjoy future times with.

The Singularity.

(I never did tell who this was about, or why I wrote it. I still have no intention of doing so, however, I still feel a small twinge when I read it.)

 

 

October 20, 2005.

So we stood there, in the parking lot, walking past, we clashed, and lips met in furious abandon.  How strange it was, to not know you, yet feel as I did, what a perfect match, what a perfect mouth.  Like a well oiled lock finding its long lost key, my mouth cried out joyfully, knowing it had found something special.

The scene shifted, into the bar, some time later, and what magnets we were, unable to remove our hands from one another, wanting to feel, wanting to hold, urgency guided our actions, recklessness left us astounded, regret left you breathless, and fulfillment left me incredulous.  How could you be what you were? How could you have me so completely? How could you leave me alone, with nothing, without you.  Not to hold, not to feel, not to love, it was not planned, but it was done.

So I buried you deep, and forgot, every now and again, a hand broke through the surface, reminding me, that what is real cannot be hidden forever.  Convincing myself that I did not want what I wanted was the greatest lie I ever told, and I told it well, and now, we speak, and we laugh, and we are friends.  Yet I yearn for that girl, who leaned over a table, to kiss me hello.

for you.

Warning

(See? It didn’t take very long for me to wander back into the realm of listless emo ramblings. enjoy.)

October 19th, 2005.

Listless, my emotions wander, leading me to place I would altogether rather not go, take my hand, and sit me down.  What is this confusion, is it strange to want completion?  This or that, that or this, segmented, the world becomes a schizophrenics nightmare, reality matching, inside and outside, as above, so below, and as within, so without.  Packing more drama than a daytime soap, I find myself without a final answer, and when I look for the lifeline, the phone disappears.  Please hang up and try again, and again, and again, and soon the chortle of the ringing tone becomes a restless lullaby, leading me to a deathless sleep.

Pull yourself out of my swirling Charybdis, lest the foamy waters and pointed rocks leave you strewn and broken, I want everything, and I will consume you, and I will pull you down, into me.  There is still time, for the inner circle has not been reached, and I will spit you out, frightened, angry, but whole, with only the dizzying relief that comes from knowing how close you came to oblivion, and the impotent rage that comes from recklessness acknowledged.

How do you spell it?

(As should be obvious to anyone who knows me, this state of mind was all too temporary. The relief of not having to run around like a panicked hamster was quickly replaced with the despair that came from understanding that my relationship with my boys was irrevocably altered)

 

 

October 17th, 2005.

It is scary at times, I wonder if I am still myself, and if I am, is that a good thing?  I do feel better, but different though.  I mean, its better than before, I still have some moments, but the difference is quite palpable, my insides do not feel as tied up in knots as they once did.  Imagine, walking around, all of the time, worried, scared, fatigued, all day, everyday.  If something should happen, or someone get upset, my life became instant hell, and I would drive myself mad trying to figure out what went wrong and how I could possibly fix it.

what a relief to just not give a shit.

Breather

I wanted to take a pause in between this blog transfer to state two facts, and a crucial point.

There are two people I have to please on this entire planet.

There are two people I owe something to on this entire planet.

Well, three really.

Because I owe it to myself to be happy too. I have neglected that debt out of false sense of obligation for quite a long time.

Happy is whatever or whomever the hell I want it to be.

That’s all.

Rules of Attraction.

(Surprisingly, I was at least half right. Not that I ever followed any of my “good” advice, but from 6 on, is “good” advice. It is shocking to me that I had enough common sense to even make such practical statement. However, 1 through 5, emoooo blackness… “I am the martyr of looove!! Leave me, no, leave me, I will only bring your life more blackness, and more despair, my love, is pain beyond imagining…. what, no, don’t touch me there, no, no… oh, fuck yeah… use your mouth now..” ..giggity)

 

 

October 11th, 2005.

1. hedge your bets, all of your eggs in one basket almost always ends up with you getting egg on your face, and lots of it.

2. avoid using the word love, after years of societal pressure, the word has come to signify an almost mythical bond between a man and a woman, it has taken on such an aura, that expectations are sure to follow such a pronouncement, and as we all know, expectations are the road to attractional ruin.

3. if you should ever find yourself in the unenviable position of being the object of someones love, or worse yet, being in love yourself, be careful not to take a huge shit on them.  yes, I said that correctly, do your very best to extricate yourself (provided you truly care for this person of course) and rid them of the stink that you will inevitably bring onto them.

4. be definitive, in other words, if you know you shit alot, be sure to say so, otherwise you will certainly find yourself, and your poor partner/victim brown and smelly sooner than later.

5. cut off your nose to spite your face.  it sounds counterproductive, but in truth, if you feel your bowels churn, doing whatever it takes to extricate oneself is a must, even if it means earning the eternal ire of the other person, who may never learn what a favor you have done them.

6. learn your lesson. there are certain patterns of behavior that can be recognized by a few key words or actions that should indicate to one who has been put in a difficult position before, that they are about to face it again.

7. enjoy what you have, when you have it.  sulking today about tommorow serves no purpose in any aspect, least of all in these situations, ride the wave as far as it can take you into today, and if and when tommorow finally does come, try it again, if the surf dies down, find another beach.

8. wait for nothing.  the only circumstances of any concern should always be your own, should there be a problem with such, do not think to sacrifice a moment of your pleasure dealing with the concerns of others, down that road lies only misery and degradation of the soul.

9. save your guilt for fatty foods and church.  our degeneration and death are inevitable, it is no coincedence that we speak of rich, sweet foods as ‘guilty’ pleasures, as they are often the most satisfying.  do not think for a moment that should you have the fortune to go grey, that you will not spend every waking moment reflecting upon the things you might have done, and the people you would have experienced had you another chance.

10. when you lose, and you will lose, that person who you wish you had broken the rules for, be sure to drink heavily, and often, but not so much that you cannot find pleasure again, the alcohol may be the tall bridge, but sympathetic sex is most certainly the coital bungee cord that will keep you from being dashed across the rocks of despair, figuratively, and sometimes literally.

Thats really all I could come up with, hope that helps people.

He who makes a beast out of himself, gets rid of the pain of being a man.

 (Not only did I steal a line from avenged sevenfold and use it as a title, I also made almost no sense the entire way through. At this point, I was doing my best to cultivate “mystery man”! Mystery man is the guy who knows a lot of stuff, about veryyyyy dark and potent seeeecrets. Do not pry into my seeeeecretssssss!!! Needless to say, “mystery man” was a big hit with the cute lil damaged emo chick crowd. “Lets go open our chakras and do some magic….sexxxx magic….”)

 

 

October 11, 2005.

As far as I know, my skull does not resemble a donkey shaped mexican pinata one bit!  So then, why is it that some people feel the need to bash at it until my innermost secrets and desires come flying out like so many saccharin filled, tumor growing candies?  Or worse yet, see right through me, leaving me feeling naked, and defenseless.

call it cowardice if you will, but such vulnerability pushes me beyond tolerance, I suppose it is in support of my true first love, myself.  but that is not entirely true, because currently, I hate myself for what I am doing, but the right word is goodbye, regardless of my childish wants.

I think I understand that bit about saving one from oneself a little.

Oz.

(There is one line of true importance here. That is the one about sacrifice and selfishness. I have discovered that selfish behavior and sacrifice are very misleading actions. True selfishness, and true sacrifice are the kind that stay true to their nature, one by leaving nothing but inspiration and humility in its wake, and the other, by leaving unhappiness and destruction. But I’ve often seen the most monstrous resentment arise from the most noble seeming act, and inspired drive and true sacrifice born of the most callous greed. Good and bad are meaningless and transient, and very poorly suited as a character definition)

 

 

October 10th, 2005.

 

What is more selfish? the detachment of now? or the gradual detachment of later? there seems to be a slim line between sacrifice and selfishness, and I feel the razor sharp fence threatening to slice my jewels in twain. the popular question these days seems to be, what do you want? well, that is a fine question, with many different, often contradicting, answers.

although humorous, my about me, is, about me. I am the proverbial bar of soap in a slippery shower, bend over to grab me, and you might catch a jailhouse surprise.