Monthly Archives: January 2009

The Old Soldier.

Once upon a time I said what was to be,
Between you, and me,
It was always an argument about what was real,
Whether anyone feels what they say they feel,

Clever rhetoric on occasion left me questioning,
Ever so briefly, before wisdom interjected,
And on occasion, I would try to be clever,
But I should have known better,

The empty hand grabs the upper rung,
Before the one holding a heart in its clenched fist,
So every salient point is a bitter victory,
And Pyrrhus defeats the Romans again,

Crossed the Alps as Hannibal did,
Fearsome Oliphaunts in tow,
Not a bit of difference made,
To one who never sees them so,

After the devastation is complete,
Only a single, ridiculous portrait is left,
I can barely see it, through tears and exhaustion,
I’ve been fighting this losing battle so long,
Throwing myself at the windmills again,
I hear your voice whistle through the meadow,
Telling me there never were any giants,

So why is this chestplate so dented and scuffed?
And underneath flesh appears battered and bruised?
And why was that bravery never enough,
Was it only for thrills that effort was used?

One more victory might be the end of me,
I could only do this sort of thing so long,
You know more than any, I would imagine,
Just how much I hate being wrong.

Tactile Emotion.

I didn’t see him there. 

It isn’t that I had a problem looking at him, I just couldn’t do it. 

I was afraid.

I knew what I would see in those eyes, and it terrified me.  That sadness, that longing.  The sudden crushing sensation of regret and loss.  I know these things, I thought I had felt them myself.  But at that moment, it dawned on me that those weren’t quite as real as I had imagined them to be.  I understood that any sense of loss or pain that I may have felt in the past was primarily due to wounded pride, and not any true feeling of heartbreak. 

That changed in a heartbeat.  “He’s right behind you”.  I knew who ‘he’ was instantly.  I froze, and for a few brief moments I was him, looking at me, with her.  A chasm opened up, it was unlike any other time in my life where I may have felt or imagined the same sensation. 

When the track was announced, I took her hand and all but speedwalked to the platform. 

Unbidden, I thought over and over, “please don’t ever let me be you.”

I never looked back.

Unintended Vibrato.

I’m surrounded.
All I feel is the wrong kind of pressure,
And all I want is the right kind of pressure,
And I don’t know how to make it better,

I wonder if I’ll ever be alright,
Sometimes before I go out at night,
I had a plan but I lost sight,

I make music in my own way,
Joints cracking and popping,
The rhythm of tension tricks me,
Such unpleasant sounds when feet hit the ground,

Could just be a bad day today.
Maybe it’s just a bad day.

Maybe if I close my eyes long enough,
And hold my breath til I’m blue in the face,
I can find a quiet place,
Where I can smile without trying,
Where I can live without lying,
Where I can go to sleep every night,
And wake up every day,
Feeling like things are going to go, my way.

A long sigh should come at the end of that,
Punctuated by a stuttered exhalation,
I finally found that sound,
The forlorn vibrato.

Unexpected.

So I saw my best man tonight.

I did not mean to have him as such.  How ironic, it was a complete coincidence both times.  I finally recognized who he was, and he did as well, and I looked him dead in the face and I cried a little.  He said he was sorry, and I was too.  Neither of us truly having any idea of what we were sorry for.  But it was sorry, there is no doubt.

So young and so stupid.  What was to become of us.

It hurt so badly.

………….

One day you will look back upon the indentured servant and you will miss it.  Perhaps you will know it was not right, but you  will miss all the effort the indentured servant made.

You surely missed everything he could have made.

I bid you farewell master.

Snuffleupagus.

Just the two of us in this room,
Well, no, three, if you count him in the corner,
Waving that brown trunk all around,
Sniffling, Snuffling, all about,

How could you not see him?
He’s huge, he’s hairy,
No, I don’t mean me,
Him, HIM,

See?

No, look, he’s real, I swear,
Just look a little harder,
Keep looking, I’m sure you’ll see him,
You said you saw him once, didn’t you?

Maybe you just never saw him at all.
I think that might hurt the worst.

It breaks my heart to little missing pieces,
When I sit and think,
Of people and places and creatures and feelings,
Gone extinct,

I think I may just leave this room,
And take my furry friend with me,
Because I will always see my invisible elephant,
So I will choose to not see you instead

I do not like green eggs and ham.
I do not like the klu klux klan.
I do not eat the meat called spam.
I just quietly cry and say over and over,

Goodbye Sam,
Goodbye Sam,
Goodbye Sam,
Goodbye Sam.

goodbye.

Two pups.

Early this morning, I walked into the kids room to check on them.  It was 4:30am and they were in a deep sleep.  Face to face they slept, their little noses maybe two inches apart.

Two little pups in a litter, sleeping soundly.

It was so cute and so sad at the same time.  Because as much as they squabble, they cling to each other for support.  I hope they stay close.

What’s the frequency Kaitlyn?

Waves pUlSaTe when I turn the dial,
Zip through the air,
For miles and miles and miles,
Bouncing in and bouncing off,
Cur..ving, Tw..is..ting, S..h..a..k..i..n..g..
Talking, SCREAMING <<< , whispers making…

…me weep when I think of someone sweet,
I could turn that knob again and again,

left         <…………………….>               right

All I heard was fuzzy sounds from all around,
But every now and then a voice cuts in,
and takes me for a while…
It hugs me tight, closely watching a woman’s eyes,
It whispers again…

she lies…she lies…she lies…

I twist my wrist and make a fist,
and listen to the man who sold his life,
Giant, soaking, breathless, wracking sobs,
I twist again to turn within,
and sigh with resignation,

One day the sounds abruptly changed,
My hand went still, no twist, no fist,
A beautiful hum that made me think of bumblebees,
Filled me with a need,

No, I would not rest until I found that sound,
made a left, and then a right,
Then another, ducking under a gate marked kait,

Whats the frequency,
So that I can see you frequently,
How far must I turn this knob,
To hear you laughing next to me?

You smiled a dazzling smile,
dimply dots denoting devilishness,
hand HELD out,
Made into a fist,

I held my breath for a moment or two ,
Inside was the knob inscribed with two words,

ME & YOU.