Monthly Archives: December 2008

Nathan.

I met “nan” shortly after my marriage ended.  He would go to the library and sit there reading every newspaper and magazine his old eyes could still focus on. 

I sat with him one day reading, struck up a conversation, and it continued for years.  It took breaks, and vacations, but everytime it picked back up it was as if a paused video were suddenly restarted.  It was seamless in nature. 

He was a widower, with one adult daughter.  No grandchildren.  I think we just were both really lonely.  He had a sharp mind, and good common sense advice about things, that I would hear, but did not listen to as often as I should have.  He would have snarled at me today, no doubt.

Rest in peace Nathan.

I’ll miss you old man. 

the sad fact.

I have written about narcolepsy more than once, on here particularly.  What most people probably don’t realize is that I take more than a passing clinical interest in the condition.

The biggest problem that I see with being a true narcoleptic, is that because of comical and inaccurate portrayals in the media, it is almost impossible to take seriously.  For example, the assumption of most upon hearing that a person has narcolepsy is to say something like, “uh oh, don’t fall asleep while talking to me, hahaha!”  This automatic sleep happens in only the most severe cases, and is quite rare.  Those unfortunates can only be helped by being prescribed large doses of amphetemines, and close monitoring.  A monthly doctors visit is required to ensure liver function remains normal, and that stimulant levels are consistent in the bloodstream.

Aside from a sleep study that measures your brain waves, there are several other indicators of narcolepsy.  One of those, is what I like to term, the never-ending nightmare. 

It starts with the usual narcoleptic shutdown.  You get dreamy, and it feels like to close your eyes and sleep would be the best thing in the entire world, no matter where you are, or what you are doing.  Your body actually buzzes with a high as it anticipates a snooze.  It is something that has to be felt to be believed, and I truly doubt anyone who hasn’t felt this could even begin to understand how compelling this desire is.  It brings to mind the description of the hit from a heroin needle.  A thousand screaming orgasms. 

Except you don’t sleep.  You start to dream about things, but your REM sleep starved brain has catapulted you into a fourth stage sleep cycle, desperate to provide as much deep sleep as quickly as it can.  Let me clarify.  Your body is on first stage sleep awareness, but your brain has plunged into the fourth, and deepest stage of sleep.  Should your sudden and vivid REM sleep get scary, well, basically, be prepared to live it. 

This was the first real sign I had a problem.  Aside from never, ever, feeling rested.  No matter how many hours of sleep I seem to have gotten.  I would wake up again, and again, only to discover that I had not awoken at all, because bits and pieces of my nightmares stayed real.  I would sit up on my bed, having just shaken off something that was crushing, and suffocating me, only to hear that same demonic voice still speaking to me from a dark corner.  I would be awake, but not awake.  This cycle would continue for several intervals, and I would spend what felt like hours shaking off nightmare after nightmare. 

It was only last year that I was finally given a large enough stimulant prescription to stop this from happening during the day. 

It happened again though.  The shutoff, and the nightmares.  This time, however, it was quite a bit worse than demonic voices, or sleep paralysis. 

I literally tried to shake it off and wake up in my bed, scared, but relieved that it wasn’t real.  I shook my muscles just like I taught myself to do.  Nope, I was still there. 

I’m still here.¼/p>

Die Seabiscuit.

Hello gorgeous, it’s me.

I smell you everytime you put your face near,
I taste you when I put my lips where I now take liberty,
Don’t think for a second my love,
That I have forgotten what it felt like to sit across from you,
In silence,

It may have been a weird mood,
Perhaps it was a bad night,
In hindsight,
It was you telling me to keep you around,

So I did,
So here we are,

I have no plans to let you be,
Without me,
So keep me at arms length,
Until you have a good grasp of my weaknesses,
And my strengths,

Control me,
But don’t you dare, let me know,
Because you can,
Whether or not you think you can,
Because I think, that I think,
That you, can.

Don’t let me down.

Don’t let me down.

Because what am I worth,
How much suffering would you feel,

To keep me here with you.

How many horses would you kill,
To make the glue,
That keeps me here with you.

Achtung!

It occured to me earlier, looking at my now six FUCKING HUNDRED facebook friends, that I am sorely lacking in friend details, like, a MASSIVE amount of friend details.  So, for those so inclined to provide such, please do so, I would love to see them!

In the meantime, I will also be composing, and submitting a bunch myself.

Can’t wait to see some of these.

Ideas.

The only word I know is primal,
Indulge, consume, thought-less monster,
What it feels like, it ought to be,

It should,
Really it should,

Stop being so technical,
Is any of this a pulitzer prize?

So stay awake this time and feel this too,
Be a part of me, and burn,
Break apart in me, and squirm,
Above all, question again if you could,

That way you suffer as much as you can,
By wondering, what life you could have lived instead,

Oh, and my imagination runs wild,
And my good old friend stares at me,
Sunken cheeks of discipline,
Still wanting a cape,

How I missed it all,
This life, this person,
This sleep, this night,

And it chokes me to death,
To remember just what it was that left me broken,
I can still feel every wracking, soul wrenching heave,

The wick burns to nothing,
Scorched to both ends,
Should have tucked in,

Ideas won’t make you feel any better.

None at all.