Monthly Archives: October 2008

Birthday poem.

Happy Birthday to you.
You know I love you.

And I have known you,
Much longer than I ever thought I would.

But this time, I did not send you anything,
So not to create more memories.

I gave you a part of me,
None now could ever receive.
Everyone else, sorry.

Another year, and I still !  funny what it used to mean.
When anxiously we anticipated.
I do my best to hide away,
Numb myself to avoid that pain.

I was not prepared for this,
Who could be?
Despite what some people thought.

But I wish you to know,
That not a day goes by,
Not a thought escapes,
A version of history I wish to make,
That leaves us where we were.

I sleep alone every single night now,
And sometimes I wake,
Reaching for an empty side.

How your head fit on my shoulder,
Puzzle pieces cut in hell,
Now in this bed alone I burn,
Just as well.

I hope you can be satisfied,
With another holding you,
I hope he makes your family happy,
Something I could never do.

I will linger here a while,
List-less, love-less, longing,
For just a short while, accept denial,

Come back to me, please.
Come back to me,
Come back,

Nothing.

Nothing.

I regret.  Nothing.

I love you now as much as the first time it ever appeared in text.

this is not a poem.
this is not a blog.
this is not to be explained.
this is pain.

…..this matter is closed.

(how can I explain this rarity. or how there will never be parity?  I cannot.  So the missing piece rolls on, never, ever, ever, to find a proper shape.  I knew I would pay, the very second I looked upon your face.  It may seem to you that I do not care, and you may feel that I do not try, but believe me when I say to you, I lie, I lie, I lie.)

**another repost.

Why so serious?

Why so serious?
Asked I, before I stole that line,
Have any of you the time?
Oh, thank you, it’s 3:23,
Here is the moment to log in,
And write about angst and tries,
With no intention of being successful.

So beg your pardon,
I will now compose for you,
A bit of prose,
It is about everything I feel,
My pain, so deep,

Eh he-he-hem,

“Me me, me me me me me me, mememe, me, me, meme me me me me….”

Oh my, I can’t seem to get the words right,
I do hate my poetry,
I hate it, I hate myself,
Will you have a look?
I know, it’s no good, you can say it,
It’s ok, really,
I’m terrible, god, I know, don’t even waste your time,
Sure…ugh, fine, yes, here is another,

Eh he-he-he…he-heeeee-hem,

“Me.  Me me, me me, me me.  MEMEMEMEMEMEmeMEME! me….me…me..”

I can’t help it, I see things,
Like no one else does, you know?
All those ‘other’ superficial people,
They are the sad ones,
Wrapped up in their lives,
They. Just. Don’t. Get it.
You know?

I feel like we are totally connecting,
You know?
It’s weird,
It’s so weird,
I think you’re beautiful,
I feel like I was meant to meet you,
Like maybe, it was fate or something,
Like, everything happens for a reason,
Us, here, you know?
One more, this one is about you,

Eh he-he-hem, hem, hem,

“……me….meMEMEme….me….me.me, me, me…..you…MEMEMEMEME..”

Oh…
I understand, yes, you aren’t ready for that,
I know, I’ve been hurt too,
Of course I don’t mind,
It isn’t all just about that.
I am not a slave to my flesh-box,
Our spirits have bonded…

(Fucking bullshit what a fucking tease why the hell did she hang out with me and listen to all of my bullshit and then nothing, I know she fucked some idiot I am way smarter and wayyy deeper than last week at some party drunk and IIIII dont merit even a hand job what the fuck I’m going to get this out in another poem about my heart bleeding because I am above making it perfectly clear that I have a raging fucking boner for her because I’m BETTER than that……

EM HEM HE HE-HEM….

“MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMMEMEMEMFEDEMMECMMMEMEM!!!!!! ME….me, me, me….me..MEMMEME..ME, ME, me…me….::sob::..me…”)

::sigh::……..

“no one fucking gets me…”

(I’m just that fucking special)

**repost from myspace blog.

Re-Post from 2007.

I watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind for what must have been the fiftieth time last night, but this time, I did not watch it alone.

I remember wanting that done to me so badly.  Imagine my surprise when I discovered that memories and people can be effectively erased.  The first method I investigated, was using drugs, this link is indicative of what I discovered.

http://www.cognitiveliberty.org/neuro/memory_drugs_sd.html

This one was also particularly exciting for me,

http://www.physorg.com/news75883856.html

Then, I read this paragraph, a direct quote from a memory researcher,

“Let me give a caveat to that. Let’s suppose I said I am going to say a word to you and then I am going to use a new magical technique that technology has provided to eliminate that memory. So now I say “bicycle” and I go zap. Now think about bicycle. I said the word bicycle, but you know the general meaning of bicycle, you know what a bicycle looks like, you may remember a specific bicycle, you may remember having done something on a specific bicycle, and you remember how to ride a bicycle. Did I get rid of all of those? Not very likely, because those are all very deeply embedded in all kinds of memories that you have. Let’s suppose that I did get rid of all of those; then you’d lose a huge portion of your life. Everything you knew about riding a bicycle would go, which would mean everything connected to that would also go. Your home, your family would be gone, and it can’t work that way. There is an interconnectedness to the knowledge we have. Information does not exist in the abstract.”

I realized that this made a lot of sense.  So, by erasing Danielle from my mind, which I fully intended on doing, I would likely end up either killing, or dulling many memories involving my children.  It is for this reason, and this reason alone that I did not consent to a combination of hypno- and electroshock therapy.

Those two things, plus a revolutionary new drug called propranolol is really the best way to go about it.  I was informed of this by a small laboratory call New Day, which specialized in smoking cessation and weight loss hypnosis.  I was skeptical at first, but after doing my own research, I discovered that they not only were correct, they were also thorough. 

The shock therapy and and hypnotherapy condition your mind to not recall that person/memories, then, the propranolol disconnects the memories from charged emotions, so that it does not come rushing back during a fit of sadness or blind rage one day. 

The process was outlined to me, I made a monetary deposit (the entire process from beginning to end was 700 dollars), and I anxiously waited.  I spoke to several psychologists regarding my upcoming procedure.  The general concensus was “this is dangerous and a very poor way of dealing with painful memories”.  Of course, I only had one real concern.

.

“Will it work?”

.

Every single reply, with much hesitation is some cases, was “yes”.  My current professor, Dr. David W. Harmon, also confirmed this for me, had I gone through with it, I would have been looking at Danielle as if she were virtually a stranger for some time now.  Not only would this have been incredibly satisfying, it would have saved me months of emotional anguish.  Yet, knowing how likely it would be to damage other things I wanted to keep, and, the knowledge that I would piss off my girlfriend to the Nth degree (I still do not entirely believe her, but she claimed she would never speak to me again if i had gone through with the procedure) kept me from writing a check for the remaining amount.

They were very understanding, and returned my deposit happily.  It gave me the impression that they were loath to do this to me as well.  The secretary merely handed me an envelope and smiled. 

Being heartbroken sucks.  And there are ways to fix it, and to grow from it.  But sometimes it stagnates, and begins to tear at the seams of your life.  In that case, it is comforting to know that there are ways to erase that pain.

Just because I didn’t do it then, doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do it.  Let me also add that most people will tell you this is not possible.  Or, that it cannot be done, or that it can be done, but not in a realistic and all encompassing way.

Those people are either mis-informed, or flat out liars.  Lacuna is a fake company, and the movie procedure is also fake.  But erasing someone is very real, and it can be done.  I will not be giving out the information, but if any of you are genuinely curious, I will be happy to point you in the right direction. 

.

“A moment lasts all of a second, but the memory lives on forever.”

.

Not anymore.

.

Live it, Love it, (Forget it)

.

-Tobas

.

(P.S.  She basically spent the entire movie telling me how much she hated it, but it was the idea of it,  not the movie itself, which even she would have to admit was good)

***This was posted in March, of 2007.  It is now October of 2008.  Dr. Tsiens research was not made public until the reports were submitted this month.***

eternal told you so.

Mouse Memories Erased, No Harm Done

By LiveScience Staff

posted: 22 October 2008 05:37 pm ET

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Scientists have successfully selected and safely erased specific memories in a mouse’s brain, leaving others intact, it was announced today.

The erasure can be done while a mouse tries to retrieve an individual memory, said Joe Z. Tsien, brain scientist and co-director of the Brain & Behavior Discovery Institute at the Medical College of Georgia School of Medicine.

“While memories are great teachers and obviously crucial for survival and adaptation, selectively removing incapacitating memories, such as traumatic war memories or an unwanted fear, could help many people live better lives,” Tsien said.

Tsien’s research team, in collaboration with scientists at East China Normal University in Shanghai, eliminated new and old memories alike by transforming information from a gene into a protein in increased quantity. The scientists used a particular protein critical to brain cell communication just as the memory was recalled, according to the study detailed in the Oct. 23 issue of the journal Neuron.

An abundant protein found only in the brain, called alpha CaMKII, is a major signaling molecule for a receiving brain protein molecule called the NMDA receptor. Tsien found that when he over-worked the signaling protein while a memory was being recalled, that single memory was eliminated.

Receptors such as the NMDA receptor are like front doors to cells, providing an opening for signaling molecules such as calcium. Synapses are the point of communication between two cells, and NMDA receptors are on the receiving end of the message. Like people, neurons change with the signals they receive.

“Learning changes the way cells connect to each other,” Tsien said. Scientists think that the signaling protein plays an important role during learning and subsequent strengthening of connections between neurons to create a memory.

Much as a war veteran remembers a fateful patrol when he was fired upon, mice can establish a very long-lasting emotional memory about a place if, for example, they receive a mild shock to the paws while there. The researchers showed if they over-expressed the signaling protein, this powerful memory was rapidly erased as the animals tried to retrieve them while other memories remained intact.

A similar approach was taken with object recognition memory, giving mice a couple of toys to play with then erasing their memory of one of them. “You will feel like every time, it’s a new toy,” Tsien said.

While the ability to rapidly erase a selective memory is exciting, Tsien cautioned that its translation to humans would be difficult at this stage.

“We are barely at the foot of a huge mountain,” Tsien said. A possible strategy for humans would be a drug that mimics the signaling protein over-expression that researchers accomplished through genetic manipulation.

The research was funded by the National Institute of Mental Health, National Institute on Aging and Georgia Research Alliance.

(I was mocked by some for my staunch refusal to budge on this issue.  Also, by my approach to specific memory removal.  Looks like my method of therapy/hypnosis and a beta-blocker was effective for good reason.  But soon enough, it will not be necessary)

Outlet.

There are days, in which I cannot believe I am a dad.  I cannot believe that I must abide by the consequences of my choices.  That I have said when, and it was not this, not now, and not then.  The rules are the rules, whatever they are, and my dis-satisfaction never factors in as much as I would like it to.  I have to be a someone, of a certain type, and I play it exactly as it ought to be.  I can be anyone, so well.  It is a different thing, when one knows who one is, than when one is uncertain.  How strange.  I could have gotten here sooner, at a different time, in a different place.  It would have been exactly the same, yet, conclusions would have yielded distinct tonnage.  Or have, outside of a leap, a definite answer cannot be arrived at.  Do the possibilities exist, or have the dead defined us all?

Unforeseen.

I had not taken into account the years of repressed anger and indignation that would come pouring forth when I made the decision to embrace myself.  It would be wise for me to have a care.  My boys were picked up, and left miserable and confused.  I cried just like them.  Because I am so sorry my choices have been as poor as they have been.  I think I broke my voice.  Looks like that Juanes song may be the last thing I ever sing.  Possibly the first thing too.

Fast as you can.

I kept singing it, and kept studying, and I kept waiting until it felt effort-less, which I knew, sooner or later, would come.  Well, today was that day.  Stomach tight, open mouth, enunciated words and sung vowels.

I only have a handful of poor quality voice recorder songs, however, I have chosen one to actually upload to myspace and add it as a profile song.

So, there you have it.  I knew it would come faster in castellano.