So then, I’m afraid we have gotten terribly sidetracked, and it is time we got back to the important issues plaguing society today. So, without further ado, Tobaswritesyourlife presents, societal plague numero uno.
Sure, you may say, ‘hey, that’s not fair, how could you blame an entire societal ill on just one talentless, insignificant, C-list “actress”? My response would be, you cannot. But, you can single her despicable actions out, particularly since she was just featured in people, and god knows how many unhappy house frau soccer moms read that garbage on the regular. I will sum up the interview as best as I can. Basically, Tori cheats on boyfriends with Brian Austin Green while doing 90210 (Austin Green, that’s another tool in for a hollywood rude awakening, I’ll get to him after), Tori gets married to some idiot Charlie Shainan. Tori goes to work on a film, falls in love with her MARRIED co-star, who then proceeds to tell his much prettier wife, that he has found his “soul mate”, and he is leaving her. Look, I’m singling out Tori Spelling here, but I would like it known that I think this Dean McDermott is equally as despicable, the reason he is not the focus, is simply because the people article was centered around Spelling, and not this jackass. In the spirit of TWYL, and of the celebrity interviews that never quite took off the way I had hoped, I have decided to make one last ditch attempt at a successful follow up interview with Mrs. Spelling (McDermott?) , whatever.
Well, look who I found wandering the streets of long island at 1:30am on a saturday night! (no, not lindsey lohan, jesus, play along will ya?)
T: “So, Tori Spelling, have a seat, cold out there, huh?”
TS: “I don’t like the cold, it makes me brrr”
T: “Yes, you are a sweetheart aren’t you? Well then, let us get on with it, I’m sure you have places to go and surgeries to schedule”
TS: ::blank stare and vigorous nod::
T: “Let us begin with the term ‘soul mate’, which is how your co-star/philanderer/husband described you as, speaking to his then wife from the set of your shitty, lifetime channel bound film. What exactly is a “soul mate”, and how does one know when this mystical connection has been established?”
TS: “Um, Deany makes me so happy, we laughed and giggled, and he was sooo handsome. Movie sets are the perfect places to meet the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, it’s fool-puff, wait no, it’s, fool-goof, em, foolish? Oh no, fool-proof, tee hee.”
T: “You had it right before the last one honey, but moving on. What about your husband, didn’t you feel you had an obligation to honor your wedding vows to him? Was there not any part of you that understood what you were doing was terribly wrong, irresponsible, and inexcusable? He cried to you, and by all accounts, including your own, it was a happy marriage. Shouldn’t a soul mate be someone you actually share your soul with, is that not the point of wedding vows?”
TS: “It was meant to be! Me and Deany-poo, Oh pish, Charlie was nice, but he just didn’t do it for me anymore. If something is wrong, rip it apart and find a way to upgrade, why bother working, that’s for poor people, daddy always told me that, if you don’t like something, throw it out and get a new one.”
T: “Well that explains the boat-load of plastic surgery you have had. Sadly, there is not a surgeon in the world that can modify your terrible genetics, so, you can make your boobs bigger, change the contour of your nose, and lipo/botox until the fat melts like hot butter under that ridiculous horse-face of yours, and still, it will appear as if a deranged homeless man let loose with a heavy sack of nickels point blank. All you have done is ensure that you will always be noticed for superficial reasons, and that the term “butta-face” will always apply.”
TS: “Lookit my boobies, whee!”
T: “Tori, before I release you back into the wild, I would like you to know that you could not possibly have found a ‘soul mate’. This is simply because you are a soul-less nincompoop, who if noticed by fate, will be left by your dopey don juan of a husband any day now, for a younger, much better looking new ‘soul mate’. Marriage is not a ‘lemme see’, that’s what boyfriends and fiances are for. May death do you part, both of you, sooner than later.”
Well, that was refreshing, wasn’t it? Now, on to walking bag of refuse numero dos. A woman named Lauren Cleri, who while on a game show, of all places, admitted she had married the “wrong man”, and in front of her husband no less. I did watch that portion, and were I that womans husband, I would have taken off my ring and threw it right at her fat blond face. He sat there, the idiot, as she hesitated, thinking about her answer. My child, this requires no thought whatsoever. None.
As I have said in the past. There are many things a couple can do to try and create a lifelong bond, things that are not marriage. I say to these two steaming blond turds, try them, because you are clearly not cut out for matrimony. It is something you jump into both feet first, not feet spread apart.
So, to you Tori Spelling, and you Dean McDermott, and you Lauren Cleri, and your insidious ex-boyfriend Frank.
May there be a small, special circle of hell, reserved just for the four of you, where flaming spiked dildos are inserted into all of your collective orifices, and a bunny-suited devil wearing an Aaron Spelling flesh mask sings, ‘here comes the bride’ over and over, for all eternity. I know, I know, I went easy on them. Hey, I’m getting softer with age I suppose.
(Editors note: Mr. Austin Green, please note that your fiance Megan Fox, is uber-hot. This is a wonderful thing, and I do sincerely hope you are having her do filthy and ungodly things, like gurgle your man juice while singing twinkle twinkle. Also, I hope that these moments remain somewhere deep inside you, so that when you inevitably become a casualty of her burgeoning career, you can laugh at the next sap she is with, knowing she likely still has some of your spunk embedded in her enamel. Take that ____! (insert hot young co-star of your choice)
Live it, Love it (Don’t you dare marry it!)