Monthly Archives: October 2007

“I can feel Hailey so strongly that it momentarily stops the breath in my smoke-filled throat and makes the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.  Hey, babe, I say to her in my mind.  Is that you I feel, or just the hole where you used to be?

Dear Diary again;

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I discovered exactly what I had suspected for a while.  It seems that she does not understand that I equate her wanting to do Halle, with her actually doing Halle.  How silly to think that it is any less bad and disgusting to want to do someone when you claim to love another person.  It was all the proof I needed that what she claimed was love, was not love at all.  It was a selfish desire to keep me rooted in one spot, and held prisoner by ‘love’.  Really, if you ‘love’ someone, you do not do, or even think such disgusting things.  Love is supposed to be this powerful, all encompassing thing, this is how I knew that it was not love at all.  So, as of yesterday, I wish her and Halle my best, and go on my merry way.  I am not one to be toyed with, and furthermore, you cannot change someone.  My ex-wife discovered that the hard way.  In order for me to be a good person to be with, and understand not to act shitty, I had to learn on my own.  I could want her to be different, and not lie, and not think and do slutty things all I like, but it will make zero difference in the long run.  A selfish person will remain so, until some realization strikes them.  Mine struck, and I’m not waiting around getting tortured until hers strikes too.  Especially not when I have someone perfectly willing to treat me decently, and most importantly, more than anything else, to want ONLY me. 

I will not be devalued by someone elses sexual adventures.

As far as I am concerned, you say you love me, and you want ‘hot’ guy ‘friends’, and you want to hook up with them, and its ok because we arent together, but you ‘love’ me.

That equals fuck off.  Imagine an entire lifetime of such sluttiness, and lying, and affairs, and god knows what else?  I shiver at the thought. 

I don’t hate myself that much.

Forward.

It’s amazing what a few days can do to ones perspective. 

When you make a concious choice to move forward with your life, and let go of hurtful things, good things happen.

I kept hearing that, but I didn’t believe it.

Now I do.

Turns out the hotline guy had the correct advice, lol, who knew??