Before she cheats.

So Carrie Underwood wants to talk tough?

Fine.

I present for you dear reader,

.

Before She Cheats

.

Right now, she’s probably getting rubbed down by some hunk named carlos,
And she says he’s her “personal trainer”,
right now, she’s probably paying his rent, with your silver amex,

Right now, he’s probably right behind her, teaching her to squat thrust,

And she don’t know…

That I stuck little bits of broken drug needles in her pretty little tampons,
replaced her mascara with nair…
I got my Louisville slugger ready for her head,
poked holes in all her hidden condoms,

Maybe next time she’ll think before she cheats.

Right now

She’s probably telling him our relationship is rocky,
Right now, he’s probably saying “I’m so sorry”
and he knows he’ll get some pussy,
Right now, she’s probably somewhere private,
away from the others getting her freak on,

And she don’t know…

That put my ear right to the ground,
Heard the bullshit that’s going around,
Opens her mouth to tell me lies,
I must hear lame alibis,
Little does she know her powder case is full of lye,

Maybe next time she’ll think before she cheats,

I might’ve saved a little trouble for the next guy,
Cause the next time that she cheats….

She’llbeinpainandhorriblyinjured, and, Oh, you know it wont be on me!

Oh, not on me, oranyoneelse,

Cause I rubbed one out inside all her shampoo bottles,
Froze my poo inside her haagen daas fudge swirl,
I ran a live wire into her tub,
Filled her car with garbage sludge,

Maybe next time she’ll think before she cheats

Oh… maybe next time she’ll think before she cheats…

Oh…before she cheats….

butshewillbe
toohurtand
comatosepeople
can’thardlyget
outofbedmuch
lesscheatonyouanyway!

.

Eh hem.  So there you have it.

Look, don’t bother telling me how terrible this is and blah blah.  Have a sense of humor, will ya?

Thank you.

.

-John

?

17 replies on “Before she cheats.”

  1. thejewsays says:

    I’d suggest that this comes off as terrible because the original song is about doing damage to the cheaters car, and you are talking about doing bodily damage to a person.. but, being bitter, and finding joy in that fact, i doubt you would GET it.
    I mean really get it, and not just “yeah yeah” get it.
    Bitter is ugly on you. Go shake that nonsense off.

  2. thejewsays says:

    also? its not funny to talk about harming a person, its just.. not right. And, it makes you come off as unstable.. but uhm, im sure your drunken buddies (who are sadly more bitter then you) would find it funny. ..good company you keep?
    If noone around you is pushing you to better yourself, and YOU definately arent.. how will you ever get past this miserable place youre in?

  3. Tobas says:

    actually, I am far from miserable, like I said, it is really just to demonstrate that violence is violence, no matter what sheet it is draped in.

    sure, it is to a car, but that is a personification.

  4. ! says:

    I may be a drinking buddy who does find this funny, but I am also his girlfriend who DOES push him to better himself. And in my opinion, writing funny little parody songs is on the right track.

    Do ANY Jews have a sense of humor? or was Jesus the only one??

  5. Tobas says:

    After watching seinfeld do standup I began to doubt, but a few Mel Brooks films later my faith in jewish humor was restored, eh hem…girlfriend…

  6. thejewsays says:

    *snicker* I have a sense of humor, as tobas has seen in person and can vouch for.. I just dont agree that “violence is violence”.
    There is damage to a car.. and there is damage to a person. If you dont see the difference, then you should look up how much jail time you’ll get for each.. and see what OTHER people think the difference is.
    And i would never just agree with my “boyfriend” because i find him humorous or talented. This isnt a funny little parody song.. this is bitterness.

  7. Tobas says:

    You have failed to see the point.

    The car, is a metaphor,

    I, have merely removed the metaphor.

  8. thejewsays says:

    ..i dont think its intended to be a metaphor, but i suppose thats a matter of perspective.

  9. Tobas says:

    That level of terrible violence is not meant to convey anything less than the total destruction of a person. It is meant to hurt, and to destroy.

    Which is quite fine. I rather enjoy the song.

  10. Jeanette says:

    Wow… it must be nice to be a girlfriend any time it’s convenient.

  11. Jeanette says:

    And for that matter, to claim yourself to NOW be a “drinking buddy” when you used to have such contempt for those who actually are and put down so freely.

    I don’t know which alignment made me laugh more.

  12. ! says:

    I never had contempt for those who are/were drinking buddies, I had contempt for YOU. Just because you aren’t invited doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.
    And I said “girlfriend” just for all intents and purposes, I am the closest thing to a girlfriend to him and unless he’s divulged to you everything that has gone on with our “titles” in the past couple of weeks stop acting like you know what’s going on.

    The only alignment that’s making ME laugh the most right now is the one that’s being attempted in your life by the words “whore” and “housewife”.

  13. Jeanette says:

    Your contempt was not masked… laughed at maybe, but not masked. Maybe if I was that insecure, I would have felt the same way as you haivng been put in your position, but fortunately, I’m not. And I wonder which one of John’s friends you think DIDN’T do a little dance of joy to hear you were out of the picture. Please, name one… your um close drinking buddies.
    I don’t claim to know what’s going on with you and John, I only know what he tells me. That you are not his girlfriend, and for his sake I won’t repeat anything else about the situation because I don’t care to hurt John and he’ll most likely just delete it anyway as he always did with my rebuttles because he feared your wrath. Man I don’t blame him.

    Please do continue with the “whore” and “housewife” theory. I am so intrigued right now.

  14. Prince Albert says:

    Eureka!!!
    A solution to the problem is simple. Tobas needs a detachable penis. Come on ladies, show of hands, who here has not met Tobas’s penis? I thought so.

  15. ! says:

    This is me being very honest.
    I have nothing to mask, everyone knows how old I am, how could I not be insecure? Jeanette, I am a decade younger than you and you are telling me I’m supposed to be confident in my (ex)boyfriend’s friends’ approval of me. That’s absurd. The word “close” was never used by me in describing mine and their (Johns’ friends) relationship, I never even slightly dared to approach the idea that we were ever “close”, so I don’t understand where you are getting this from.
    Insecure, yes, mightily insecure. Kind of explains this “wrath” of mine, no?
    But what I don’t get, is the reasoning behind yours? Maybe not wrath, per se,
    but your constant need to put me down and let everyone else know how I am a stupid little immature bitch, basically. My reasoning is very simple: because I am so young, because I am so questioned and, according to you, hated by his friends, something critical said about me by one of his friends is going to hit very hard, and much harder than it normally would. If I were around the same age as you I wouldn’t feel so desperate (there I said it, so you don’t have to) to defend myself, and to prove myself.
    It may be shallow and embarrassing to admit, but it’s human.
    Now, if you’d leave me alone, that’d be much appreciated. If John’s cutting me out of his life, I’d like it if his friends who didn’t like me anyway did the same.
    You’ve succeeded in what you were trying to do,
    Have a fucking heart and don’t respond.

  16. thejewsays says:

    I wonder why these back and forth’s couldnt have been made in private.. even on myspace you can send a private message if you dont know each others emails and such.
    *sigh*
    I realize there are strong emotions on both sides.. but i dont understand the need to tear people down for the sake of “loyalty” to a person.
    You dont know each other.. i cant imagine why either of you think the other matters enough to invest so much emotion into. (wrath and/or defensiveness) The only person’s opinion of you that matters, supposedly, in this situation is john’s.. so who cares if you like each other or not?
    I dont like plenty of people.. but i ignoooore people i dont like. I dont go out of my way.
    ..just saying.

  17. Tobas says:

    Trust me, you dont wanna get in the middle of this one. And yes, they do know each other.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *