I ceased celebrating holidays long ago.  But in honor of this holy week, I have decided to write a bit on religion.

First off, let me just state the obvious.

All religions are the exact same shit.  Basically, you believe in an often ridiculous set of myths that answer tough questions, such as why we die, what happens when we die, and why shit happens in general.  Why are we here, where did we come from, and so on.  In essence, the kinds of questions that do not have any good answers, because, well, they SHOULD NOT have any good answers.

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So, the two major holidays are passover, for the jews, and easter, for the jews.  No, there are no typos on this page.  But Tobas, hang on a second, are you trying to call a christian, a jew?  Aren’t they different?  I mean, cmon Tobas, these two have been at odds for centuries, look at the history, you can’t possibly call them the same thing, thats ridiculous…erm, care to explain?

Why certainly my confused reader.

See, basically, the jewish myth book, the torah, and the christian myth book, the bible, are the same thing.  Same people, same stories, same god.  The major difference being the whole jesus bit.  But, the jesus bit is fulfillment of a jewish prophecy….soooooo, if you believe in the whole jesus is god thing, and you buy the whole jehovah bit, welllll, like it or lump it, it makes you a jew, except you put a period at the end of your sentence, where the non-jesus jews kinda just leave a semi-colon, for some other dude who comes along and makes a better case for the whole messiah thing.  There have been a few, I believe the latest being some old rabbi that the curly fries worship in canarssie.

The “old” testament, is rather simple when you look at it, lets do the best cliffs notes ever, shall we?

Ok, god makes everything, god kills a bunch of people and contradicts “him”self massively several times, god promises several very perverted long-lived man more descendants than stars in the sky.  (in fact, he makes the very same promise twice in row, to two different people, I know abraham was one, I cannot remember the other), god gets into pissing match with satan, poor job never knew what hit him, god dangles stuff in front of peoples faces, and smites them when they do what feels right, god wipes out more people than an asteroid strike, egyptians get pwned, jews run around in a desert for a long time. The end.

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Alright, everybody get that?  Good.  Jesus time.

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Mary follows a long line of greek women by getting knocked up almighty style (zeus was a pro at this, often going beastial on the bitches, hova might have taken some pointers along these lines).  Jesus is born and immediately pisses off some local muckity muck, who wants him dead.  Jesus flees the draft,(oops sorry, that was clinton), eh hem, Jesus does a bunch of stuff that no holy roller ever wants to hear about (have a life?  get laid?  no one knows, but Im guessing he did both).  Jesus becomes the life of the party at a wedding by getting everyone piss drunk on his tab*1)Jesus throws some pigs off a cliff, Jesus plays a jackass sized prank on everyone and brings his buddy “back to life”, Jesus tries to lead the revolution against the ruling romans, Jesus gets sold out, romans pwn Jesus.  The end.

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Look people, the political climate at the time in Israel was tense.  The romans ruled, and the jewish tribes did not like this one bit.  There were many “messiahs”, and their job was to lead the jews out of this roman oppression.  The big problem was that the jews had some trouble working together, as their beliefs might have been primarily the same, but the differences were enough to cause much bloodshed, and consequently, blood feuds that lasted generations.  Books like the torah were designed to squash these differences and unite them (does any of this sound familiar?  It should, those medievel morons are still doing it all over the middle east, and sadly, we have many even here who cant get over their old stupid beliefs that aren’t even in their heritage, at least those are “their” gods over there*2)  Jesus was a politician, his “turn the other cheek” line for example, was a call for the jews to cease their infighting, and unite against a common enemy, in this case, the romans.  Why did the jews of the time turn against jesus at the end?  Simple, because he failed.  His brother James was a worthy successor, and it was James’s bunch that ultimately paid the high price at the fortress of Masada, where the futile jewish rebellion was crushed unmercifully.

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*1 it is easy to swallow the story as Jesus being a poor carpenter, but think about this for a moment.  A wedding with as many people as the one Jesus and Mary were said to attend was a very high profile one.  A few hundred people now is a small gathering, at the time, it was a party thrown by very wealthy folk.  If you got an invite, you had some serious juice.  This leads me to believe that Mary and co. no doubt had some serious ties to the local ruling curly fries, and consequently, was not hardly as poor as is commonly believed. 

*2 I find most church-goers to be a ridiculous hypocritical bunch.  But the saddest of all, is when I see the ultra-religious black people, and hispanic people (by hispanic, I mean the folk who built awesome temples, worshipped eagles, and ripped hearts out before my people sailed over and basically shut down their entire existence).  The africans had wonderful religions, filled with ancestor worship, and colorful stories.  Even today, you can still see some parts of this in the serenghetti, where the “christian aid” folk haven’t polluted the people with their food in one hand and bible in the other tricks.  Religious blacks are just walking, talking sellouts.  Christianity is the religion of whitey, of the oppressor.  It was forced upon them, on pain of death, and threat of damnation.  There is no more demeaning thing than to have your beliefs, and those of your heritage and culture destroyed, and debased.  The blacks in america have let that happen, and it is an absolute disgrace.

The hispanics are even worse I think.  I take it rather personally because I know there were some ancestors of mine responsible for this.  They built temples, roads, they had education.  They had fine civilizations, and myths, and gods, and culture.  Yet, walk up to any hispanic person you see on the street, and tell them Jesus is the tool of whitey.  They might try and kill you.  It’s funny, the same way black people in america have names like tyrone, and rodney, and we think of them as “black” names, the hispanic folks have names like pedro, and jose.  The spainards gave them new names, “regular” names, so in other words, no more “flying jaguar paw”, you are now Juan.  So now, people call them “spanish people” names.  Oh how Montezuma would have howled.

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Let me re-iterate.  There is nothing positive about Judeo/Christian mythology.  Yes, you heard me.  NOTHING.  The little good anyone can squeeze from words of scripture, is far outweighed by the convoluted beliefs and instructions contained within.  Don’t believe me?  Well, find a bible, sit down, and read a chapter called “Deuteronomy”.  If the bible is the word of god, and god is infallible, well, we are all fucked real bad. 

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By the way, do any of you actually know what leprosy really is??  Jesus was alleged to have cured many “lepers”, that according to scripture, did not have leprosy at all.  Leprosy just means you cant feel anything.  Thats it.  People dont “lose” limbs or anything from getting it, they just sometimes break bones so much their bodies re-absorb the bone itself, but since you cant tell from pain, its tough to catch, therefore, you whack yourself, and you dont even know it.  It is believed to be transmitted by the texas armadillo.  I shit you not. 

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Ok, well that was a fun little jaunt into the land of logic and education, wasn’t it?  Now go eat some cream eggs and matzoh you backwards jackasses.

Don’t even get me started on the “easter bunny”.  hahaha.

(side note:  ever hear anyone tell you god will strike you dead?  tell me, what is your first reaction?  yup, you look up for that bolt of lightning.  hmmm, does that remind you of anyone?  sure it does, zeus, who was king over the other gods at olympus was the thunder god, and subsequently the model for the hebrew god yahweh, who was one of many gods in the hebrew pantheon.  “let us make man, in our image”  you dont think hov was using the “royal we” do ya?  Ironically enough, many renaissance artists used ancient greek depictions of zeus to create the physical image of the god of the jews.)

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Live it, Love it, (nail it)

-Tobas