TWYL presents, an informal guide to long island nightlife, and all of the fun folks you’ll meet there.


My foray into this place began at approximately 5pm.  I did not actually go there until after nine, but since I started drinking vodka then, I consider it the first step towards attempting a night out somewhere like this.  I passed out for a while, showered, plastered my hair with guido glue, and put on a button down shirt better suited for a retired mobster.

Anyway, as I walked through this place, I began to notice a certain social pattern.  The people began to take on movie extra-like qualities, for example, girl at the bar #1, guy buying the disinterested girl a drink, things like that.  So, after observing these folks, and their behavior, I began to break them down into categories.  Here are a few of the types I saw.


OBVIOUSLY MARRIED OLD GUY –  this creepo is near and dear to my heart.  he displays his wedding band proudly, while passing a cosmo over to a young girl.  his tales of marital woe seem neverending, and he is capable of making june cleaver look like a lying manipulative whore (which she might have been for all I know, tv will fool ya).  typically, their airheaded prey will take drinks from them, while giggling behind their hands to their friends about how “gross” and “creepy” this guy is.  however, should the aforementioned creep be driving a benz, or ferrari, well, you know.


THE “HOT CHICK” – these are the alpha females, usually wearing the least amount of clothes, and the most amount of makeup and/or tanning cream.  they are a favorite target of the OBVIOUSLY MARRIED OLD GUY, but generally these types are too busy looking bored while trying desperately to garner the attention they need for their massive egos to sustain themselves.  they criticize everyone, and everything, and will generally make fun of other “bitches”, especially those who are just like them.  no one likes competition, and the larger the perceived threat, the more animosity this creature will display.  usually they fall victim to the endless charms of the OBNOXIOUS GUIDO.


THE REMORA – these can be either gender.  much like the fish that attaches itself to large sharks to eat the scraps, these individuals hang on, and around a pack leader, usually the alpha male, or female of the pack.  generally, THE “HOT CHICK”, and the OBNOXIOUS GUIDO attract most of these types, but every now and then, a pack of remoras will venture out on their own.  these individuals will usually situate themselves in a corner, or some out of the way place, and watch the others, desperately hoping for a chance to be noticed, even by accident, by the opposite sex.


THE OBNOXIOUS GUIDO – these effeminate “males” generally venture out in collared shirts, whose colors would usually lead to a question about sexual orientation.  they are also typically well groomed, and by well groomed I mean that they could enter miss america and not miss a beat in the swimsuit competition.  they cannot be by themselves at any time, and generally are surrounded by male REMORAS, who they will refer to as their “boys” (eg: ey yo, dats my “boy” vinny ova deya).  they often drink heavily, which leads to loudly spoken words of wisdom, such as, “every girl is a hewa ‘cept for my mom and sister”.  communicating with these individuals is often as ineffective, as it is dangerous, regardless of your gender.  their favorite prey is THE “HOT CHICK”, who usually is impressed by their loud ignorance and anabolically enhanced frames.  once again, I advise extreme caution when interacting with these creatures, as their spiky heads are generally filled with more testosterone than a barry bonds milkshake.  should you make the mistake of arousing one of these types, back away slowly, and pretend you dropped something, their vision depends on motion, so if you stay down long enough you will be forgotten in due time.  one wrong move, and they will “kick your ass”.


THE CLICKY ETHNICS – these individuals are generally not white, and have come in a group.  do not, under and circumstances attempt to interject, at all.  should you find one of them attractive, and want to chat with them, be forewarned.  if you are a male, chances are, one of the males in the group has either already slept with your target, or wants to.  should you be a female, be aware that this is also the case.  you will either be “jumped”, or get your “bitch ho eyes scratched out”.  depending on your gender of course.


THE INAPPROPRIATELY DRESSED – again, this is males and females.  usually, it is a flagrant violation of good taste, such as a muscle shirt on a potbelly, or a tube top where it does not belong.  these poor creatures truly believe they “look good”, any attempts to correct this line of thought will generally be met with resistance.  so do yourself a favor and laugh quietly.


THE “EXOTICS” – this is purely a female category, and it generally consists of one or two hot looking asian girls who stand by the bar.  usually OBVIOUSLY MARRIED OLD GUY buys them drinks by the gross.  THE “EXOTICS” are unlike THE “HOT CHICK” in the way that they will actually entertain conversation with these suckers, but never in a million years go beyond that.


finally, there is the help,

THE DISINTERESTED BARTENDER – this also is generally a female, nine times out of ten in possession of a ridiculous looking fake rack.  they will feign interest in you, and smile as if they are happy you are ogling their goods.  perhaps some are, but most of them are too busy planning their next low carb meal, and hoping to catch a quick break to head into the back and grab a bump.  OBNOXIOUS GUIDO generally gives these individuals enough in a night to pay the rent for half a year.


THE SURLY BOUNCER – this individual has had a bad night.  this individual has had a bad day.  this individual has a bad everything.  in other words, he is a colossal dick.  his demeanor gives one the impression that he had to pay you for you to be there.  he is judge, jury, and executioner.  should you be unfortunate enough to arouse one of these creatures, run outside, and keep running until there is no one around.  there is nothing as pleasureable to THE SURLY BOUNCER than having any sort of excuse to kick your teeth in.  THE “HOT CHICK” hangs on these walking phallus objects shamelessly.


so there we are.  I am certain I missed a few there, but we’ve all been there, and maybe some of us have been that. to that I say, shame on you.


2 replies on “Categorical.”

  1. ! says:


    for you



    for my dad

  2. sis says:

    I would like to add to the obnoxious guido description as I cant stand them:
    The eyebrows that are better arched and shaped than mine…and, the JOOP cologne…
    Urgh, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *