Monthly Archives: December 2006

Happy Grimace

I am bleeding, gushing crimson,
Don’t let it end,
Release again unlike any other,
Never having to pretend,

Chip my tooth against the bone,
Jaw that locks me inside you,
Makes me feel like I am home,
No one else can have a clue,

Lost and found, that is my section,
Never leaving things to chance,
When I’m found that is the question,
Lay me down now for my session,

All I need I have inside me,
Chemicals that flood my brain,
Being who I wish I could be,
Being different, just the same,

So make me bleed when I am down,
Pour this sadness out of me,
Hurt me now, I find it funny,
I only smile when I am bloody.

The beautiful end.

J.J. narrowed his eyes and looked at Abraham in annoyance.  “You gonna just turn that thing over in your hands all day or what?”  He laughed.  “Keep goin and it’ll go off on accident in your face, then you might survive it and have to try again after they put your cheeks back in place.”  Abraham ignored his friend and continued to release and insert the clip of the glock nine, listening to the clicking sound it made as he slammed it back in place over and over.

“Will you quit it already,  so are you gonna go, or what?”  J.J. searched his face for an answer for a moment before continuing on, “Abraham, you havin second thoughts about this”  Abraham finally stopped playing with the weapon for a moment and looked up.  He kept his face expression-less and simply handed the pistol to J.J.  “What are you doin?”  J.J. asked him in disbelief.  “I can’t do it”.  Replied Abraham in a monotone.

J.J. was beside himself, they had been talking about this for months, then finally, they worked up the courage to escape the pain, and get to the promised land the preacher had been telling them about.  The lord is their shepherd, was Abraham losing faith?  Sure the preacher had said taking your own life was a sin, but they figured they could ask god for forgiveness after, didn’t god forgive everything?  Fortunately, the preacher had reassured them that there was nothing too great for god to forgive, and that he would forgive anyone that came to him and repented with a sincere heart.

J.J. gripped the pistol and turned to Abraham, “Don’t be scared Abraham, we goin someplace where they can’t hurt us no more, we goin with jesus, he loves kids like us, he won’t put us nowhere bad, I promise.  Abraham shook his head, “But I can’t do it J.J. I aint got the nerve to pull the trigger, I got faith, I’m just scared is all.”  J.J. put his hand on his friends shoulder, squeezing it tight for a moment before letting go.  “I want you to do it for me, can you do it for me J.J. I sure want to go with jesus, but I’m scared, more scared than that time pa locked me in the shed alone.”  Abraham looked up at J.J. frowning after he spoke.

“Thats right Abraham, I remember, If I hadn’t come and taken you out that shed you might still have been in it now.”  J.J. said.  “You trusted me then to rescue you, trust me now Abraham, we gonna go with jesus, they got candy, and a big table where god lets everyone eat all they want at, and I bet they got the best ice cream you ever tasted.” 

“Please J.J. will you help me, I wanna go to the good place too”.  Abraham was pleading now, with tears rolling down his cheeks.  “Oh Abraham, stop blubberin, you’re almost ten years old now, thats practically a man grown.”  J.J. spoke these words gently however, since he cared for his friend and hated to see him cry, he had cried enough already.  Abraham wiped his face and sniffled loudly.  J.J. thought for a moment, tapping his head with the barrel as he contemplated a solution.

“Ah, ok, I think I got it.  I’ll do it for you, but you have to forgive me before-… wait a minute, you have to forgive me after too, you have to tell st. peter that it’s ok before I get there, otherwise he might not let me in.”  J.J. continued even as he cocked the pistol, checking the chamber to make sure it had a round in it just like his older brother Zeke had shown him once.  “Remember bout st. peter Abraham?”  Abraham nodded and smiled, happy to have such a brave friend like J.J.  “Ok good, he got a big ol white beard, and he’s by the gates, long as you get to him before I get there, we’ll be right as rain.”  Abraham was solemn now,  “Ok J.J., I won’t let ya down, I promise.” 

J.J. slowly put the barrel to Abrahams head.  “Oh, thats cold J.J.!”  Abraham squealed.  J.J. took a step back and kept the barrel about an inch from his head.  “Ok, I’ll wait five minutes and then go, that way it’ll give you a bit a time to find st. pete and tell him I’m ok.”  Abraham was beaming now, excited to do something for J.J., especially something as big as this, he wasn’t going to let his friend down.  J.J. wiggled his fingers on the handle, and brought both hands together, curling his finger around the trigger.  

Suddenly Abraham turned to face him, “Hey J.J.?”  J.J. lowered the gun for a moment.  “Do you think it’s gonna hurt much?”  J.J. shrugged.  “I don’t rightly know Abraham, I heard it hurts, but aint never seen no one complain when they got it in the head.”  Abraham seemed somewhat relieved to hear this, and faced forward again.  

A single shot rang out in the cold morning air, and J.J. jumped back, surprised by the sudden red spray.  He watched Abraham twitch for a few minutes before removing his straw hat and placing the barrel to his own head.  “You better find that old man Abraham, or I’ll whoop you right outside the pearly gates.”

Seconds later, he felt a hammer blow smash into his temple, and he began to slowly go numb, it seemed to take an eternity before it reached his head, but when it did, the blackness swallowed him in, and the sunlight finally faded.  Leaving behind only a brief moment to curl his lips into a smile before he slipped away.

Peace at last.