A few days ago, I saw a small packet of papers stuffed into my windshield wipers in my usual work parking place.  At first I was dismayed, the fucking meter maid/parking lot enforcers got confused and ticketed me.  Turns out, I was wrong, it seems a myth-loving nutcase was let loose in the parking field.  It was a newsletter, entitled, earthquake.  By a man named Tony Alamo.  Basically, its a scare the crap out of you until you see the light -fest. 

But here is where I found the ultimate in irony.  One car down from mine, there was a car with a bumper sticker always giggle at.  It states, “god is pro-life”.

They can’t possibly be talking about the judeo-christian god, there is no way.  What audacity, what blatant lies.  At least the muslims are honest about it, you ask them and they will tell you, “oh yeah, we love peace, uh huh, right, but you even blink the wrong way honkey, and allah will kick your lily white ass.”

Lets see what the ever brilliant Tony Alamo has to say about this, shall we?

“The false prophet licks the wounds of the frightened, sinful world, soothing the crowds by saying things such as, “it wasn’t God who caused this earthquake,” or “God would never kill all these ‘innocent people'”, when God admits it was Him that killed these ‘innocent people’, and states that He intends to kill and surely will kill hundreds of millions more of these ‘innocent people’.  God’s Holy Word clearly promises that God’s angels will “slay the third part of men.” (If that event would happen today, God, by just using four of His angels, would be killing at least two billion people with one stroke.  This will soon come to pass.)”

Here is another little gem from Mr. Alamo-dome,

“God is mankinds worst enemy.  The only way to prevail with God is to yield to Him, to comply with Him.  Satan is the next worst enemy.  He can be defeated only by resisting him with all of our might in Christ.”

(any tips on resisting God Mr. Alamo?  and why shouldn’t we just yield to the less dangerous one exactly? hrmm?)

Well, I suppose if we have to choose, you might want to go with the lesser of two evils eh?  In that case, being Satan??  Make sense man!

I don’t know about the rest of you, but that really doesn’t sound very “pro-life” to me.

And thats merely just Tony Alamos dumb-assery.  In other related biblical slaughters we have, sodom and gommorah, then there is the flood.  (kinda makes you think about those old bugs bunny cartoons when the big hand would come down with an eraser and start erasing parts of bugs to start fucking with him, eh, whats up god?)

And my personal favorite, King Saul asking god to let the sun stay out a little longer so that his army could slaughter the opposing army and their refugees down to the last man, woman and child.  Uh huh, pro-life.

But I don’t want this to be all negative, so lets end on a bright note, shall we?  Here it is, concrete proof that not only does god exist, but he realllly, realllly, likes Tony Alamo.

“Thursday, January 13, 1994, I was in Los Angeles for a court appearance.  Three days later, Sunday, January 16, 1994 , I was inspired again by the Lord to leave Los Angeles without delay.  (He had been inspired to move his ministry five months before, cough, tax breaks, cough, also, he never mentions why he had a court appearance, sketchy?? hmmm?)  I explained to everyone what I had heard.  We then packed and left in haste.  Everyone was disappointed because our original plans were to spend the afternoon at the sunny beach on Venice.  The weather report at our destination was icy rain and snow.  We travel by car and generally never stop, except for fuel and food, but this time I felt inspired to stop in Arizona for the night  (News flash, old folks get tired when they drive for hours Mr. Alamo, but I’m sure jesus put the whammy on ya).  We were shocked at what we were seeing.  God’s wisdom for our leaving Los Angeles was now fully known to us, and the reason for moving into a motel to watch what we were delivered from was now made known.  Everyone, including myself (oh, thats very big of you), was thankful to the Lord for having delivered us from that earthquake.”

I want to be Tony Alamo.  That way I can ride gods hand like a divine surfboard past all the bullshit on this planet.

Ever hear of luck, and tectonic plates Mr. Alamo?  I’m sure plenty of folks left LA right before the earthquake hit. 

My favorite is how he ends the pamphlet.

“Praise the Lord, May God reward you abundantly.”

Why would I expect a reward from mankinds worst enemy exactly?  And why would I trust that?  And finally, what the hell would be the point of a “reward”, since everything is going up in smoke reallll soon anyway?

Hail Xenu!  (oh wait, wrong boogeyman) 

Hail Satan!  (There we go).