For you.

I am so pleased that I am home, and that I will not be disturbed tomorrow, that I have decided to write about it.

It is not late, not at all.

Yet, I am here, full of joy, in bed, knowing that I will sleep, and sleep, and sleep.

Nothing else seems as good to me, as that. 

Really and truly, I am very concerned about my future, I think about how things will turn out all the time.  But, I have decided, as well as I will do in other aspects of my life, as many literal triumphs as I will crow, as many accolades as I will accumulate,

None will hardly be as satisfactory, as the thank you, from my two boys, when they realize, that I never wanted anything more, than to be with them. 

I hope I can convey to them, just how much I wanted to be there for them, just how much I loved them, just how much I gave to be with their mommy, just how much I sacrificed to try and make a life that would give them the stability they deserved. 

I gave everything, and I was willing to give more.  When they are old enough to understand, I will make it my lifes mission that they know daddy was willing to do anything for them.

I was selfish once, and I repented quickly.  I will spend forever letting them know that I would never do that again.  I will apologize for their selfish other parent, and hope that they forgive me for not letting them have the regular childhood they had a right to have.

I tried guys.  I write this all for you.  I want you to know one day, that all of those nights, you were sick, and you were alone, and you just wanted your daddy to come and make it all better, I felt every bit of pain, so much more.

I hope so much when you both are big, that you understand, that daddy was not the best man, but he was willing to try to be, for your sakes, and he was not allowed.  I hope you can read this and know that everytime I talked to you on the phone I was wishing I was next to you, hugging you.  I hope you can feel how hard it was for me, to love you more than anything, and to want to tuck you in at night, and not be able to.  I hope you know that you were everything to me, you always were, and you always will be, and that is why I was so willing to find a way to make a life with mommy,  not just because of her, but because of what I made with her.

I write this because one day you will read this, and you will know that I wanted that more than anything.

My happiness was always what was best for you, and I will always be sorry that I didn’t make you with someone who felt the same.

There will come a time when I can make it up to you, all of this, and I hope it is not too late.

One day, you will both be with me.  I know this.  I am a good parent, and I have shown this, and time will prove this as well. 

Boys, daddy made a mistake, but I will fix it.  I love you, and this is why I write anything, so one day, you can see.

Please forgive me.

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