Lets be brilliant for a moment.

Ok, I’m a no talent big titted walking barbie doll.  And I, am a white trash rapper?  rocker?  mayonnaise sandwich eating jackanape?  We both like to screw like rabbits, and generally, be seen with pieces of ass that we are screwing.  Also, we are in a line of work that basically requires us to behave in this moronic fashion so as to keep the interest in us alive.  So we have established that we enjoying screwing each other, hm, whatever shall we do about this?  Oh, oh, I got it, I got it!

Lets declare undying love for each other, and not only get married once, but lets wipe our diarrhea stained feet all over the institution of marriage several times over by traveling to different scenic locales, where we can destroy the concept of a lifetime commitment in varied states and territories!  See, it isn’t bad enough that the concept of marriage in america is a complete joke, lets spread our distasteful fickle idea of a commitment ceremony to other areas, so young people in these places can see just how little this all means!

Madonna, Brad, Angelina, they enjoy fighting for lost causes, and plucking poor colored children from their poverty stricken homes, but pam, no, she fights for higher causes!

Not only does she engage in useless bleeding heart animal loving campaigns, (stop wearing fur!  ok pam, as soon as you put back all that plastic surgery and botox that took years and countless animals to perfect so you can look like a fucking wax figurine, then we’ll talk about my super comfy chinchilla coat), no, she has now moved on to loftier goals.

These days, she is way too preoccupied with pulling out her artificially tightened pee hole that tommy lee no doubt stretched so far that it could be served in plainviews very own regal kosher deli, and letting out a steady stream of uric disregard for the once proud and meaningful sacrament of marriage, to appear in ads that some asian country will take issue with.

We need to put an end to this.  There needs to be a new method for couples to commit to each other, because it is becoming increasingly clear that this one is not cutting it.

It does not need to be completely overhauled, maybe just add a little tentativeness to it.  Lets see,

“For as long as you both shall live”

No, no good,

“For as long as I am not on tour.”

Ok, getting better,

“For as long we both agree this wasn’t a ridiculous mistake”

I think we have a winner.


I’m not saying people shouldn’t be together, but there should be a test of some sort, something that makes marriage incredibly difficult to escape, that way, quite simply, people will think that much harder before telling a lie so large.  Be together, be happy, live, but only get married if you really mean it, because otherwise it becomes what it currently is today, a fucking joke.

If every murder victim came back to life like a video game, then killing someone wouldn’t mean quite as much anymore would it?

By that same token, if you could just “break up” with your spouse, getting married kinda means dick then doesn’t it?

So thank you pam, for being one of the long line of celebrities to reflect the current state of our diseased culture.  Truly, your morals are as poor as your “acting” in barbed wire.  It was a comic book film for fucks sake, all you had to do was look good and deliver a few one-liners and you managed to screw that up royally, what the hell made you think you could figure out matrimony after that first disaster?

pam, kid, til death do you part, now do us entertainment loving folks a favor and drop dead already.


(now go ahead and post your critique, o anonymous leaver of comments that doesn’t seem to grasp that my unhappiness about getting a divorce has nothing to do with whether I am happy now or not.  marriage is exactly what it is, you want it to be something else?  fine, then go and do whatever that is and stop saying I fucking do)


Tobas doesn’t write your life tonight,


Tobas pwns your life.